What’s this bullshit about the lottery?

In a dingy 7-Eleven in Schiller Park, a guy wearing a Harley-Davidson T-shirt was talking up late night customers who were still trying to buy a lottery ticket for the big draw in the evening on March 30.

He didn’t look like the regular type of biker. He wasn’t dirty or had a beard or a 1 percent badge on his jacket. Shit he didn’t even have a jacket. He wasn’t Charlie Sheen in “Beyond the Law.” Some regular fuck who probably never owned a Harley. I didn’t see one parked out front. But who am I to judge?

“Man, someone’s life is going to change, man,” he said. “What is the cash payout? Close to $300 million? I’d be fine with that.” And he kept talking to everyone who was buying a ticket, to anyone who was still hoping for  the American Dream. The big payout. “Good luck man, we all need it. I’m hoping to win big.”

And the more I listened as I was trying to get smokes, condoms, whips, chains and French nail clippers (That’s a Carlin joke), the more I realized that the last guy on Earth who deserves to win the lottery is this guy. Fuck this guy.  “I’ll buy you all a Harley if I win.” Yeah right. I don’t even want to know what kind of nonsense you would spend that shit on. A motorcycle that runs on beer? A tattoo of the winning lottery ticket? A baseball bat that says “Hi asshole, smile!” A subscription to Boat and Motor magazine?

"Look I'm trying to help, but these white motherfuckers in Congress don't want to do shit."

The reason I got so worked up over this is that  the very idea of “hope” gets thrown around so loosely in this country. In 2008 the only hope that we stood behind in throes involved a contested presidential race that actually mattered. In 2012, the hope that we came out in throes for involved buying lottery tickets.

So this is it folks?

In 2008 we rallied in force behind a charismatic leader and led him to the presidency and four years later the only “hope” we got left is playing the fucking lottery? If that’s not a statement about the state of things in this country, then I don’t know what else is.  What a Debbie Downer, man.

But sure, like an asshole, I bought a ticket for last night’s $640 Mega Millions lottery drawing. Outcome was liked I predicted. Not even close. But what really pissed me off was the way this was done this week and that it was such a big story. Sure, it was the biggest payout in this country’s history. But the amount of people who actually thought that this time it would be their time was almost laughable.

It’s kind of sad that we put so much more faith in winning the lottery these days than we put in our elected officials who can actually do something that can make the life in this country easier. Instead, we’ve gotten so jaded over those four years that we might as well play the lottery for our lives to change because the situation on Capitol Hill is fucking hopeless. I blame Republicans. I hope they get a rash that doesn’t go away.

But you heard it all before I’m sure. And I’m just ranting here. Don’t get me started on the gas prices.

I don’t know. I got too worked up over this, mainly because of the way most people, even the news media, tackled this story. What was different about this lottery drawing compared to the OTHER big drawings? Nothing. Odds were impossible. People coughed up more than they should have, which was something like more than a billion dollars in sales. That’s a LOT of delusional people out there. And sure a lot of losers. I haven’t seen this much delusion since Lindsay Lohan became a legal adult.

I would have just used stock footage in the media from the other BIG draw stories from years past. Like those stories about the terrorist cells and them on the monkey bars. Or the stories about obesity with some random fat guy without a face eating an ice cream cone.

“I’ma gonna buy a house for my momma!” “I’m going to go to Disney Land.” “I’m going to pay off my college loans.” “I’m going to go TO college.”

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Nothing. I would hoard it like one of those rich cocksuckers and not spend a dime. Hey if they can do it, I would do it do too. Maybe that’s a very anti-philanthropist position. But what are you going to do? Give it away to charity? Help stabilize the gas prices? Pay off debt for some state so we can put people back to work? No, that just might be something Christ would do (Again, thanks Mr. Carlin).

But I’m not bitter in the least about losing. No no. Buy the ticket and take the ride. Sometimes your bust, in fact a lot of the time you’re bust.

Who the hell looks at odds like 1 in 167 million and  goes “Those are good odds. I’ll take those odds. I have a special feeling, this time.”

Yeah, I have a feeling we all need to get to our math textbooks. Or better yet, back to the store where you bought your ticket and this time buy something with an actual payout. Like beer or whiskey. At least when you’re hung over tomorrow you can actually feel that you got fucked instead of being taken for a ride in this giant collective jerk down known as the lottery. And only three people had orgasms, the ones who actually won. I wonder what they will buy?

But back to your regularly scheduled programming.

I stopped hoping I could sleep with this chick a long time ago.

Now, onto real hope. Root root for the Cubies.