Four Excerpts From “Cooking With Nolan”

STEP ONE: GET A BUNCH OF FUCKING EGGS STEP TWO: THROW THEM HARD AS FUCK INTO A BOWL STEP THREE: PUNCH THE EGGS IN THEIR EGG FACES STEP FOUR: REPEAT UNTIL YOU’RE FUCKING DONE STEP FIVE: TAKE ADVIL STEP SIX COOK THAT SHIT, NO WHISKING NEEDED FUCKER STEP SEVEN: EAT STEP EIGHT: BECOME A MAN

STEP ONE: THROW SALAD IN GARBAGE STEP TWO: MAKE SURE YOU NEVER THINK TO EAT A FUCKING SALAD AGAIN PUSSY

STEP ONE: FIND A COW STEP TWO: WRASSLE COW INTO SUBMISSION I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS DUMBFUCK STEP THREE: TAKE ADVIL STEP FOUR: CUT THE FUCKING COW NOBODY LIKES SKIN DIPSHIT STEP FIVE: TENDERIZE THE MEAT BY PUNCHING IT STEP SIX: COOK THAT FUCKER WITH A BLOW TORCH LIKE A MAN STEP SEVEN: IS IT BLACK YET? STEP EIGHT: MORE BLOWTORCH NUMBNUTS STEP NINE: IS IT BLACK YET? STEP TEN: EAT THAT SHIT

STEP ONE: GET TATERS STEP TWO: MASH TATERS STEP THERE: THAT’S FUCKING IT GENIUS

Foreword by Lynn Nolan Ryan Jr.

HEY YOU! YEAH YOU! WANT TO KNOW HOW TO COOK LIKE THE EXPRESS? WELL CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKER YOU BETTER BUCKLE UP BECAUSE THE RAPE TRAIN AIN’T GOT NO BRAKES AND IT’S COMING FOR YOUR MOUTH NOW! LEARN HOW TO COOK LIKE A MAN WITH ME, LYNN NOLAN RYAN JR.!