Posts Tagged ‘Super Bowl’

The SaniTERRYum XLVII: Super Bowl Edition

Posted: February 4, 2013 by Terry Carlton in Football, NFL, SaniTERRYum, Sports
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Super Bowl XLVII: A Tale of Two Fuses
The 49ers will be contenders for awhile, Ray Lewis can fuck right off, the power went out, and Beyonce killed it. Nutshell. Boom.

Anyone who knows me knows I love the city of San Francisco and all it has to offer, including their football 49ers, so watching yesterday’s game was painful in a few ways.

Cocktail of the game concocted courtesy of the bro-in-law consisted of Smirnoff Citrus, Arnold Palmer, and a squeeze of fresh lemon juice, but no amount of delicious liquor can make me forget what a classless, mean jerk Ray Lewis truly is. Greatest Middle Linebacker to ever play the game or not, his persona and off the field shenanigans are questionable at best. But let’s talk about the game on the field before I get carried away here.

The game started questionably for the San Francisco 49ers, gaining 20 yards on a well-executed 1st down pass play, only to have it called back on an illegal formation penalty. From there, the Baltimore Ravens seized momentum and held onto it until the end of the first half and into the first blackout in Super Bowl history.

Super Bowl MVP Joe Flacco made huge first half plays, extending would-be sacks into offensive opportunity and eluding would-be tacklers to give his receivers chances beyond belief to come back to badly thrown balls to make plays. Seriously though, has Joe Flacco EVER hit a receiver in stride? Ever? Colin Kaepernick, on the other hand, showed little to no resemblance to the quarterback we’ve grown to love over the last few weeks. He even managed to throw the first interception in San Francisco Super Bowl history, a feat that is quite frankly, astounding. The 49ers have played in a lot of Super Bowls, and to think that Joe Cool/Steve Young never threw a single INT blows my mind, albeit only slightly.

The second half’s start just brought more of the same gridiron shock and hash mark horror for the 49er faithful. Jacoby Jones took the half’s opening kickoff to the house for a Super Bowl record-tying 108 yards, clearly just as inspired by the Destiny’s Child reunion as the rest of us.

Then, the lights went out. Literally. No, seriously. A power outage knocked out the lights at The Superdome, resulting in a delay of over half an hour. And everyone rooting for San Fran hoped for a Mulligan. This being the Harbaugh’s Bro Bowl and all, here’s a thought: you ever play Tecmo Bowl (or any sports game, for that matter) and start losing badly, so you “accidentally” reset the system? That’s what Jim did to big brother John when the power went out. There’s my conspiracy theory, but it turned out to be for naught.

They might as well have gotten the desired restart though. The game played out as A Tale of Two Fuses, with San Francisco making a hell of a game out of it after all. But Flacco did what he does: throw the back shoulder pass, throw the jumpball, and watch his receivers make plays for him in clutch situations, something San Francisco’s wideouts have done all year but failed to do last night. Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree usually haul in those on-the-money throws from Kaepernick, but they dropped balls and ended up strangely as non-factors. The Baltimore WRs have been coming up big for Flacco and the Ravens this entire postseason, and they’ve been the hottest team at the right time. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: the eventual champion in any sport is not always the best team in the league. Champions are crowned according to whose momentum swings favorably at the end of the season.

And of course, the Super Bowl wouldn’t be the Super Bowl without the commercials. And it wasn’t the greatest commercial crop in recent memory, but XLVII had some highlights:

The Volkswagen commercial with the dude from Minnesota who speaks with a Jamaican accent.

For the farmer in all of us: the Dodge commercial with Paul Harvey’s powerful testimonial from the 1978 FFA Convention. “God made a farmer.”

It felt as though the Ravens had XLVII wrapped up for the majority of the game. Then the clock ran out on the 49ers, and I was left with the weirdly unsettling feeling of accepting Ray Lewis and the Baltimore Ravens as Super Bowl Champions.

The story of Ray Lewis ends with him on top of the NFL and atop the topic of conversation for years to come, for both his play and his foul play.

That’s so Raven…

Beer and Clothing in America

Welcome to The SaniTERRYum, the new Tuesday sanctuary for all you crazed sports fans and alcohol aficionados seeking refuge from this mixed up world. Think of this as a platform for blending sports talk with real talk, intellect with idiosyncrasies, rough-around-the-edges delicacies for a rough and tumble world.

Alright folks, your Super Bowl party hangovers have subsided, you’ve digested both whatever the hell you ate and the uneventful happenings that took place during the most overhyped game in all of professional sports, and you’re ready for the Bulls and Hawks to take over their respected leagues as well as your TV viewing schedule…not to mention pitchers and catchers reporting in less than two weeks (!) to bring us back to reality from the nightmarish, roller coaster season that was the 2012 NFL campaign. But let us not forget this oh-so-American tradition that has become known as Super Bowl Sunday. They might as well just declare the sumbitch a national holiday.

The Game

For some reason, Tom Brady and his New England Patriots just can not beat the New York football Giants in the Super Bowl. The Pats’ve been there five times in the last ten years, beating St. Louis, Carolina, and Philly but losing to Eli(te) and New York twice. Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw will remain the only quarterbacks with four rings for at least another year, Tommy Boy (yea, he’s cool with me calling him that).

If not for key drops late in the game by usually sure handed Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez, we’re looking at a different outcome. The injured and uninvolved oaf, Rob Gronkowski also DNP’d a huge part in the loss. The Patriots started XLVI uncharacteristically out of sorts, complete with a game starting, 60-1 odds, opening play, intentional grounding in the end zone safety that started the scoring, simultaneously bringing hope to all the gridiron grid holding, square watching fans in possession of  “5 and 8” or “9 and 2.” We have liftoff, and we have a chance, baby.

The Halftime Show

One word: Madonna. Oh, and Cee-Lo accompanying her on Like a Prayer. And LMFAO doing whatever the hell it is that people find entertaining. And Nicki Minaj saying, like, six words. And MIA spewing the shit word and flicking off the camera. BFD. Anyone with a musical pulse knows how much of an influence Madonna has had on pop music over the years. If Michael Jackson is The King of Pop, Madonna reigns as the genre’s Queen. But, like Brett Favre and MJ in their respected fields, she mastered her craft, aged, then stayed in the game just a bit too long, causing some new brand of embarrassment for hard core fans. There, I said it. It’s out there. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?

The Commercials

You can’t really talk about the Super Bowl anymore without bringing up the damn commercials at some point or another. The fact that a thirty second spot costs $3.5 million is, quite frankly, beyond me. That Skechers Dog commercial was pretty badass though. Our party determined that they’ve mastered the lost formula for a perfect Super Bowl commercial. Either they don’t make ’em like they used to or our desensitized internet culture has superseded all things attempting to entertain us, because we were not swayed to buy any of the products paraded in front of us like we’re a bunch of material-hungry consumers chomping at the bit to spend our hard earned money on new and useless products. We’re too smart to fall for that one, corporate America. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to put on my H&M underwear, lace up my new Skechers shoes, hop in my brand new Chrysler, eat a bag of Doritos in the car on the way to the liquor store, because I’m all out of Bud Light Platinum.

Drinks of Choice

This being A Drinking Town with a Sports Problem, I feel compelled to share with you the beverages we enjoyed on this the holiest of sports/beer holidays. “Good people drink good beer.” Hunter S. Thompson (a personal hero of this lowly sage) said that at some point during his illustrious life. Our Sunday partners in crime were a couple of good Scottish style brews: Scotty Karate (Shortest beer review ever: strong flavor yet smooth finish) and Brooklyn Winter Ale (great flavor, very drinkable to say the least. Good lookin’ out on the recommendations Scottie Too Hottie!). All this indulgence and partying talk segues me into one of my favorite current Major Leaguers, at a time he’s found himself in the spotlight for controversial reasons:

Josh Hamilton

Addiction is a very serious part of our society today. As our name points out, we’re all about alcohol culture around here. However, for some, there comes a time when the line needs to be drawn. In the case of former MVP Josh Hamilton, he decided when and where that line got drawn by sobering up and turning his life around. Not you, not me, not his family, not Rangers, Reds or Rays fans, not God, not Satan, not anybody. Him. It’s his life. Let him live it the way he wants to, and leave the judging for the birds. If he wants to have a drink every now and then, he’s probably earned that right. Have you?

Think about that. Word is bond…

I hope you’re happy, America.

I know I am. There have been countless times over the past 20 or so weeks where I’ve made plans on a Sunday only to see them hopelessly disintegrate as slackjawed friends look at me with glassy eyes and respond in a monotone voice, “awww I can’t…football.”

That’s barely a fucking sentence dicklips. Only football would give people the excuse to be lame on a damn Sunday. Do you know how many glorious afternoons have been ruined because all of America has been quietly enslaved by the longest fucking sport in American history?

“But brah, it moves so fast.”

Yeah, but it takes 4 hours to complete thanks to the countless fucking ads that are thrown in there. Look, I like football, but Tebow fucking Christ it’s no damn excuse to waste your life away on a couch while eating Jays potato chips and just generally not accomplishing anything of real note. That’s just stupid to dedicate so much time to one thing.

Ok, fuck you, that game is outstanding and it’s totally not the same thing. I waste countless nights on that game, which doesn’t interfere at all with my very busy social schedule.

What? I’m popular. Really. I am.

Anyway, the game was cool, the Super Bowl was pretty super, and at the end of the day the younger brother who everyone thought was a mouth breathing idiot whose success was credited to the mistakes of others beat the reincarnation of Joe Cool.

Again.

And this loss isn’t even on Brady, Cap’n Clutch did all he could, future Bears washout Wes Welker just couldn’t catch the damn ball.

But whatever, that matters very little.

Eli is Eli-te.

Does football make people stupider? I’m almost convinced of this fact. Conversations during football are restricted to grunts, pass the dip, random yells of excitement and I need a cigarette.

Or is that during sex? Whatever, either way you’re getting stupider.

I know playing football makes you dumber, Raul posed the question, are there any interesting characters in football?

I can’t think of any off the top of my head. Ask me about that in baseball and there’s dozens of guys that have interesting quirks. I mean, baseball players are pretty stupid too, but there’s a special brand of stupid going on in the NFL.

America, we live in a world where stupidity is being celebrated. Football is the stoneage, I’ll just come out and say that. Where else would a self-aggrandizing Christian who can barely perform the functions of his job title be so celebrated?

I mean, football conversations are basic, fundamental, boring almost. “Brah, did you see that hit? Killer brah.”

“Tebow? He just wins games.”

Inherently there is a lot of strategy in football, I won’t deny it, but the football conversations I’ve been having with people aren’t intellectually stimulating.

About the game itself, it was exciting, but ultimately it was about who failed to do what. It wasn’t a shootout like I was expecting, and the defense wasn’t even that great. It came down to who was going to make the fewer mistakes, and the Giants limited those mistakes.

This is fine, I’m glad football is gone, I could go without it for awhile, the Bears suck, the Packers are going to dominate for awhile, the Lions are going to be really good. I mean, my local angle is gone for now, and I’ll be watching basketball more often next year anyway.

The lasting impression from this SB is the historical niche Eli has carved out for himself. It’s fascinating, you can actually have a conversation about who was better, Manning the Lesser or Manning the Greater. That’s fine, Eli’s really good and he can close out a game.

But seriously, brah, that hit, wicked.

College football has never been my sport of choice (I mean, one foot in bounds for a catch? C’mon), but the defensive battles between Alabama and LSU got me excited for the defensive renaissance that took place in their matchups. Shouldn’t they just have played another game, a rubber match, to determine the BCS champ? Yet I digress, and this weekend is all about the NFL, a reward for us diehard fans who want to see the game played the right way, defenses winning games, a return to football in its pure form and superstars being born on both sides of the ball.

As I write this, NFL Championship Sunday is tomorrow. Four teams remain in the quest to be crowned Super Bowl Champion. Beyond the intrigue of a potential Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh showdown in Indianapolis, there lies a possible matchup of one of the NFL’s greatest defenses of the last decade+ vs. the San Francisco 49ers whose defense belongs in its own category.

San Francisco hasn’t allowed a 100-yard rusher in its past 36 games, a streak that dates to Nov. 22, 2009, and eclipses the league’s second-longest streak (Miami, 12). That, along with the feat that the 49ers hadn’t allowed a rushing touchdown in 15 straight games, matching the 1985-86 Bears for the longest streak since 1970. It took until very late this season for that TD streak to end, but it will be vital if the Niners are to move past Eli and the Giants. A dominant performance in the NFC Championship will put them in a class with the ’01 Ravens, a number of the Steel Curtain defenses from the ’70s and yes, our ’85 Bears.

That’s right, Bears fans, the current Niners defense is drawing comparisons to our beloved ’85 Bears. They’re that good. I was two years old in 1985, so all I have to go on is word of mouth and highlights, but hot damn if San Francisco isn’t the best group of run-stoppers I’ve ever seen.

They’ll need every ounce of defense if they are to overcome the suddenly hot New York Giants. That’s the story in professional sports though. Get hot at the right time, and the sky’s the limit.

Over in the AFC, Baltimore has a formidable foe to overcome in the still dominant New England Patriots. Tom Brady continues to tear shit up, shredding so-called top defenses, spreading the ball and cementing his legacy as one of the greatest QBs to ever play the game.

New England’s defense has been their Achilles heel all year, but the offense more than makes up for its deficiencies, something of which few teams have the luxury. Even with Ed Reed (and his motivational tactics to fire up goofball QB Joe Flacco) and Ray Lewis anchoring The D and performing at a high level, The Pats are too good to lose this late in the season.

Any sports fan has heard the phrase, “Defense wins championships” or some variation of the phrase. If that is an absolute truth, then wouldn’t the Bears have won at least a few more in between 1985 and now? Our current, yet aging defensive core has definitely had some championship-caliber seasons, but we’ve only managed to appear in one Super Bowl since our illustrious victory in SBXX. If defense wins championships, wouldn’t the Ravens have been back to at least another Super Bowl since their victory in SBXXXV?

San Francisco was able to match Drew Brees and New Orleans’ high-octane offense, a rare offensive shootout by a team known for its stifling D. I still have yet to hear a fitting name for Vernon Davis’ game-winning TD catch. Anyone?

New England beat the shit out of a very good Denver defense last week, and showed anyone watching that they can and shall impose their championship will on any given opponent on any given Sunday.

That being said, I’m splitting the difference between defense and offense, so to speak: San Francisco will torch New York 30-10, and New England will beat Baltimore 31-17.  The Harbaugh sibling rivalry will have to wait at least one more year. But, hey! At least we can root for a Chicago QB in the Super Bowl, right?