The SaniTERRYum X: A Farewell to Chicagoan Arms

The SaniTERRYum X: A Call to Chicagoan Arms

Drinking Bell’s Oberon, munching on El Ranchero chips with salsa, and watching Kyle Korver and my Bulls outhustle and beat up on the annoying New York Knickerbockers, it’s difficult for me to be mad at much. But I’m mad at New York. I always have been. I’m not totally sure why. I have a great time when I’m there. It has a ton to offer. The faithful hatred probably has everything to do with my sense of pride for my hometown of Chicago, and us getting the shaft in comparison to The Big Apple. That being said, nothing is more gratifying, sports wise, than a victory over New York and the Knicks. 

There was something redeeming in not only beating the Knicks last night but the way we beat them in every facet of the game that showed how difficult it will be for whoever we face in the playoffs to beat us in a seven game series. 25-5 advantage on second chance points. 51-33 on the boards. Kyle Korver and Company diving for loose balls. Rip Hamilton is not only playing, but he’s balling and dipping into the fountain of youth a bit. DRose or no DRose, we’ll need sustained efforts similar to last night’s W to advance deeply in this year’s playoffs. The Knicks will barely sneak in and be promptly eliminated. 

Carmelo Anthony does not deserve the calls he gets from the refs. His skill level is high, but since coming into the league, he has done more whining than winning. He doesn’t strike me as someone who respects the game. He’s an individual scorer who ends up being a detriment to team goals. Tyson Chandler is still the same player he was when he wore number 3 for us just with a bigger bank account now. Amar’e Stoudemire is a seven footer who doesn’t play defense or rebound (?), and his health is a big question mark. I really hope we square off at The Garden and the United Center in the first round, so the Bulls can expose them for what they really are: a bunch of overpaid, underachieving assholes. What’s the over/under on time it takes for benches to clear and punches to land in that series? Beyond an impending sweep of the Knicks later this month though, I want to know who the better sports town truly is. 

Excluding the Yankees (who I’ve always actually been a huge fan of) and taking the high road on expletive usage, the time has come to run a full-on analysis of Chicago vs. New York sports successes…and failures. I have always been somewhat of an antagonist when it comes to first and second city relations, but I’m setting my Napoleon Complex aside to determine if we here in Chicago even deserve to be in the discussion, let alone take over all you New Yorkers. 

For me as a fan, championships are all that matter. Playoff appearances are nice, but no one remembers anyone but the ultimate champion. As I said before, we’re going to take the Yanks out of the equation here, because that’s really not fair. They’re the most storied franchise in all of sports. Here we go though, let’s count the championship banners: 

New York Mets: 2

New York Baseball Giants: 5

Brooklyn Dodgers: 1

New York Football Giants: 8

New York Jets: 1

New York Rangers: 4

New York Knicks: 2

New York Islanders: 4

As you can see, New York’s numerical population gives them a slight advantage having 3 (4 counting the Yankees) baseball teams, 2 hockey teams, and 2 football teams. Even though they have had almost double the sports teams as us, New York’s output is a total of 27 championships…exactly as many as the Yankee Empire has accumulated over the years. This isn’t coincidence. There’s no such thing. 

And now, The Chi:

Chicago Bulls: 6

Chicago Blackhawks: 4

Chicago Bears: 8

Chicago Staleys: 1

Chicago Cardinals: 2

Chicago Cubs: 2

Chicago White Sox: 3

26 total championships for us here in Chicago. Always coming up one short to The City That Never Sleeps. So it’s agreed then, we shall stop sleeping, Chicagoans. Take a cue from Kyle Korver’s performance last night, and hustle 24/7. We’ve got some catching up to do, Chicago. 

Ah, fuck it. Nevermind. This is a battle I’ll never win…

The SaniTERRYum III: Undrafted Precedents and Prejudices

Undrafted Precedents and Prejudices

Oh, wow. Big shock here: racism, bigotry, and elitism in sports. Sports? No way! It’s these morons who give us intelligent sports fans a bad name. And THE WORLDWIDE LEADER IN SPORTS, no less. ESPN, you have a monopoly on sports. We get it. But you don’t get it. 

ESPN fired their online columnist who had the audacity and shortsightedness to use the word that rhymes with pink in his headline that lasted on the site for about 35 minutes the other day. But what about the editor(s) who green lit the piece to go live in the first place? I mean, not only did the headline writer use the word, but after being fired he claimed that it was an honest mistake which makes him and his staff a bunch of fucking idiots. Just because it’s your online publication doesn’t mean you should sacrifice any bit of your integrity delivering a story about Lin’s poor performance against the lowly New Orleans Hornets, ESPN. Like any professional athlete, he deserves as much praise for success as criticism for failure, but no one, regardless if you’re Asian, Black, White, Latino or Martian, deserves racial slurs thrown their way. We may be the youngest country in the world, but we’re all grown ups. Let’s start acting like it, America.

Most people have no idea when they’re being racist or acting like a racist. In true ignorant form, they are completely oblivious to how they are coming across or what ideals they embody, but I can’t quite bring myself to letting them off the hook based on, for lack of a better word, ignorance. It’s ridiculous. It is NOT bliss, and frankly my dear, I DO give a damn. So should you. Not just as an intelligent sports fan, but as a human being with (not so) common (anymore) sense.

Let’s forget about his staggering statistics through his first 8 NBA games. Let’s ignore the fact that his numbers through 8 NBA games are better than Magic, Isiah, and Stockton. Instead, let’s make jokes about dude’s dick size. Really, Jason Whitlock? If you haven’t seen it yet, this is what Mr. Whitlock, a professional journalist and really just an overall boring commentator from Kansas City tweeted after Lin’s coming out party (38 points, 7 assists, 4 rebounds, 2 steals) concluded against the Lakers:

“Some lucky lady in NYC is gonna feel a couple inches of pain tonight.”

Yep, they sure are.

All these attempts by media minds to make jokes about Jeremy Lin’s race are pathetic. Jason Whitlock, ESPN.com, (I’m sure) a bunch of no-name sites and publications have all tried to pun their way to their readers’ sense of humor, all the while overlooking the beautiful simplicity of what’s unfolding before our basketball-loving eyes: Jeremy Lin is legit. As much as I hate the Knicks and will always hate the Knicks, there’s just something inside me rooting for the kid. But make no mistake, if and when he faces off against DRose and Da Bulls, he’s going to get handled. Handled. Derrick has a certain way about putting young, touted point guards in their place in head to head matchups.

Leave the commentary to the ones who have reserved the right to do so. You know, stand up comedians, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Seth Macfarlane, Saturday Night Live. These are the platforms for performing such acts of stereotypical tomfoolery. Sports commentators think they’re funny. They’re not. Unless you’re Tripping Olney.

The hype and the resulting ridicule would not exist outside of a big market like New York. ESPN loves these stories to happen on the East Coast. If Lin were still struggling to make the Golden State Warriors or Houston Rockets, there’s no story. The media needs a guy like Jeremy Lin to breathe life and excitement into this lockout shortened season. It helps immensely when he’s putting up numbers and winning games. By the way, what’s the over/under on days it takes Lin and Carmelo to fist fight? Or Kung Fu? Wait, is that racist? Oh, I’m so confused, America!

Why are accomplishments overshadowed by ethnicity and stereotypes? This is definitely not specific to sports. This is a nationwide epidemic of narrow-mindedness. Sports’ racism is a byproduct of America’s deep-seeded racist history. It is up to us, intelligent sports fans and Generation Y-ers, to take that leap into the unknown that we have come to know so well. Music, entertainment, pickup games on the playground, neighborhood gentrification, health, politics. They all center around this notion that race determines destiny, but who decides when and where what happens, and why has it taken so long for us to take hold of the reins? I know we can do better. It’s only a matter of time.

On the subject of time: three weeks ago, Jeremy Lin didn’t even know if he’d be in the NBA or not. He might’ve been contemplating utilizing that fancy Harvard degree to become a doctor, lawyer, or business executive. Everything happens for a reason. Or does it? Many circumstances had to come to manifest for him to even dress in the #17 for New York.

Maybe a similar set of circumstances has to unfold for us as a country to address the underlying issues that exist in our great nation.

We may be the youngest country in the world, but we’re all grown ups now. Let’s start acting like it, America.

The world is watching.

An Issue of Self Awareness Compounded by A Spiritual Quarterback

I hate myself as a football fan. Absolutely loathe myself. I’m smarter than what I turn into on Sundays. I become a screaming idiot, hungry for the next concussion inducing car crash to occur on a frozen field in the snow. I root for kickers to have their comparatively smaller bodies crunched in between 600+ pounds of anger and athleticism in a cathartic experience of schadenfreude.

On Sundays I become a caricature of a football fan. I become base, simplistic, primal. I yearn for the running back to carry defenders with him into the endzone. I lust after dangerous collisions which are surely cutting short of the players that I care so little about.

My initial reaction to the Jay Cutler NFC Championship injury, “What a pussy.”

I become a moron.

Such is life as a football fan. I think we all toe that line, we all become something that we would never show in any other context (at least I hope not).

No matter how stupid I become during football games however, I will never be stupid enough to recognize Tim Tebow as a good quarterback.

If you want a true over the top account of the Tebow love, follow Skip Bayless. Re-watch the NFL Network’s post game coverage of last night’s Jets-Broncos game. Understand that the most polarizing figure in modern sports is almost a pure media creation.

Even I am contributing to the continued over-coverage of a quarterback with minimal passing skills and a whole lotta faith behind him.

But this is the situation that we as football fans find ourselves in. He’s here, he’s not going away for awhile, and we’re going to have to find a way to deal with him.

I should appreciate a player like Tebow more, considering I grew up in Chicago watching the parade of talentless Bears quarterbacks make a mockery of the position. Tim Tebow should be a player I root for. He’s basic, primal, instinctive and he tries really really hard.

I hate him as a quarterback. I hate the 3 second hitch in his throw, the stupid jump throw he executes every once in a while. I hate that the Jets decided to blitz on that last play, allowing Tebow to waltz into the endzone virtually untouched and perhaps solidifying his “legend” amongst his rabid fans. I hate that the memory of having drive after drive starting in Jets territory and failing will be wiped by a touchdown trot.

People will forget that the Jets had no business being in this game, that a real quarterback would’ve closed the door on them in the second quarter given the same opportunities Tebow enjoyed.

He’s an assault on my football sensibilities. His fans defend him as though he is a reflection of themselves. There’s no room to sit back and just watch Tim Tebow. Defenders call him an MVP candidate, detractors (like myself) wish him failure at every turn.

It’s agonizing to watch, especially when his victories are taken out of context. Especially when people conveniently forget what happens to “Tebow Bowl” when faced up against a good offense and a defense that can sit back in zone coverage and wait, like the Lions did.

I find that you’re either rooting for the canonization of Saint Tebow, or the absolute evisceration of Jesus’ quarterback. All the religious overtones are there and ripe for the picking. As I’ve asserted before, I don’t mind players thanking God, I have no issue with any religion. What I do take issue with is a player forcing himself into the forefront and pushing his beliefs down my throat, especially when that player is not good at his position.

He’s here though, and he’s not going away anytime soon. Well, unless the Bears absolutely destroy him in two weeks. I would be satisfied with that.