Amateur Hour or Top Ten Drinking Mistakes…

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

NYE is right around the corner and I thought I would compile a list of what I consider the most common drinking mistakes that people make on NYE:

10) If you don’t bring anything don’t complain about the spread.

“This is something that extends far beyond the typical beer party spectrum, but it is especially irksome when someone complains about the beer and only brought some ice to the party. Listen people, it isn’t difficult, if you’re too poor/lazy/rude to bring anything to a party, don’t bitch about what’s there. I know I’ve been to plenty of parties that weren’t going to have my beer, but I handled it like a pro. Bring what you like, maybe you’ll convert some people, but more importantly, you’ll get to drink your stuff.”
-Moe

9) Don’t consume drinks you wouldn’t normally drink.

“I don’t do champagne. The first time I did was during college at a NYE party with some friends. I had it amongst other beverages and well, the result was a very hungover me dragging my friend to the CTA for a penny ride at 6 am because he wouldn’t go to sleep and demanded to go home. It’s just not a good idea to stray from what you’re used to on NYE. You’ll drink too much of it and then you’re screwed. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.”
-Moe

8) Don’t post on Facebook how drunk you are/how much you’ve had to drink.

“I hate these updates when I see them and I hate them when I can see someone on their phone updating their Facebook. It’s pretty classless. The cardinal sin though is when that person is walking through the door and is on their smartphone, updating their shit. Nothing says class like a limp handshake and a mumbled ‘oh hey yeah sup.’ People like that need to be punched in the face.”
-Moe

7) Space your shots out/know your weakness.

“I can’t handle vodka. I’ve realized this after a few hopeless battles against the beast. I can’t beat it, neither can you. Alcohol to this date is undefeated. You’re not going to win. As valiant as the struggle may be, it’ll end with you puking up your food on a stairwell after yelling ‘I JUST WANNA GET LAID.’ Know what you can’t handle and stay away from it. Space the shots, it’s a marathon, not a sprint, get to the end, don’t knock out within an hour of showing up.”
-Moe

6) Stay away from Girly drinks

“If you hear the phrase, “You want a Red Headed Slut…”, don’t get too excited your host isn’t talking about her voluminous cousin.  She’s talking about a sugar infused poison concoction that will put you in a hangover coma the next day.  Lemme break it down for you, Sugar+booze=dehydration which in turn equals a wicked hardcore (Boston accent) hangover.  Avoid any drink with excessive mixers with sugar and you will be in post inebriation bliss.”  -Raul

5) Wine is not a shooter… seriously.

“I don’t have anything against wine. I rather like it sometimes. It’s an experience if you do it right. Get the right bottle, savor it, enjoy it, pair it with the right meal, put on the right music and you have yourself a night. It can also be something that gets you to your happy place. It is not, however, a shooter. Don’t make this mistake. I’ve known a few wino’s in my time, I may have dated a few, and this is such a classic bad move. You don’t need to consume a bunch of wine in a short amount of time. It’s not cool and it’s just not worth it.”
-Moe

4) Don’t piss off your bartender.

“Unless you go to shitty brah bars or just a shitty bar in general, your bartender knows what they are doing. They know you want your sparkly at midnight, don’t fret, just relax and it’ll get to you. Bars are usually well prepared for NYE. At a house party, don’t piss off the host, and do not disrespect the house. Where I’m from showing disrespect to a person’s house got your ass beat mercilessly. Just be respectful.”
-Moe

3) No drinking games.

“I like drinking beer, I hate having to work for it. Drinking games are fine in college, I guess. You’re a rookie at that time and anything alcohol related seems cool. But you should be a seasoned vet now, beer pong and beruit are for kids. It’s time to grow up and enjoy an adult beverage like, well, an adult (funny how that works). Stop hanging on to your college days, they’re over. Just drink the damn beer and make small talk. It’s not hard.”
-Moe

2) No drunk sexting your Ex or Current Crush.

“No wants to wake up and immediately check their Facebook Inbox or text inbox to see what kind of drunk Promethean like sex crazed freak they turned into after they black outed.  Turn your phone off and save your self the embarrassment. Especially if you are pursuing an honest relationship with said crush.. or you accidentally send the text to your boss.” – Raul

1) No DUIs

“Oldest rule in the book. The CTA offers penny rides on NYE now. There’s even a AAA towing service available in certain towns (1-800-222-4357, but check the availability first, don’t be a dunderhead and get all plastered and demand for a free tow. Shit’s expensive).”
-Moe