Episode 015 – I Have A Cloak Of Loneliness And A Lotion Of Pleasure

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• 0:48 Andy is dead this episode
• 1:15 Propers
• 2:10 Tony thinks Twitter is exuberantly happy
• 2:46 Ted Lyons Sunday Starter
• 9:30 Top Ten MLB HOFers that need to be kicked out
• 19:38 Breakage
• 20:15 Beer brewed with maple syrup
• 22:00 Andy’s story time
• 23:00 Waite Hoyt sucks too
• 25:00 @SaintLouisSport
• 25:30 White Sox talk
• 37:02 Chicago Cubs talk
• 43:54 Breakage
• 44:30 A buncha gutless dogs that folded like lawn chairs
• 48:43 House Cleaning
• 51:58 Where Are They Now: Bo Jackson
• 57:50 The show never really ends
• 59:27 Bye-bye

Episode – 014 Nickle and Dime People

Find us on iTunes

• 0:01 Lee Elia Rant
• 2:00 Introduction and Propers/It’s Pat!
• 4:30 Bulls/Derrick Rose Sad Face
• 8:00 Happy Lee Elia Day
• 9:50 The Ted Lyons Sunday Starter/General Baseball Notes
• 16:50 NFL Draft
• 26:50 Beer Breakage
• 27:19 Wing Walker Beer
• 28:30 Where are they Now? Black Jack McDowell
• 32:14 The Slugging Konerko’s
• 37:32 That Young Awful Cubs Team
• 41:35 Breakage
• 42:00 Tony Talks about his feelings/Hawks Eulogy
• 53:30 Top Ten NFL Draft Busts

The Musings of a Smoker

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

I’m sitting here waiting for the last hour to wind down on my smoked wings.  I can smell the sweet hickory in the air.  Like a sacrifice, it burns so it can feed the gods and in doing so it creates milky white apparitions in the sky.  I’m pondering now as many ticks come and go, like random city buses zagging and zigging in fog infested nights.

What is it about BBQ that stirs my soul?  What is it about fine drink that pleases me so?  I kick back and wonder.  Sounds ring out around me.  The sickening off beat rhythm of a basketball being bounced is enough to drive any time keeping drummer mad.  The random yapping of a so called dog.  I hear rim, another shot and a miss.

I try to push my thoughts out, but I am not successful.  They keep coming at me like a desecrated zombie, shambling toward me without care to injury or death.

Again it hits me.

Why am I drawn to smoked meats and strong drink?

Then a flash of inspiration!

A strong beer and good meal is community.  A stranger in a new city may only have to find the right pub in order to belong.  After the first round, he is family.  Gathering around a well kept fire and chewing on the bounty of the day is enough to raise even the most foulest of spirits.  Strangers become friends, friends become tribe and tribe lifts up to realm of spirit.

We often share stories after a few rounds of good spirits.  This is becoming rare in the modern age of internet and “all you can view” TV.  We create myth and legend around the table,  something desperately needed in a time of 24 hour “realism.”

We tend to share in a BBQ setting.  The normal selfishness of everyday life seems to melt away.  We open our homes to others.  We act, even if it is untrue, as if our bounty could never end and encourage others to take their fill, often before we’ve had our own.

We experience the outdoors in a way that most city dwellers never would.  I know as well as you do, hanging in your backyard is not exactly the great outdoors.  However, in some cases this option is all certain people are left with.

When done right, merriment in the form of liquor and good food reminds us that we are together on this rock.  Not only are we together… we are OF it.  Not the masters of it.  We are not observing it.  We are it. We are the thing.

Shits Real on Beale

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

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The Joints

B.B. King’s Blues Club  –  This was the first place I stopped in on my little Southern Adventure.  When I first walked in, like many places on Beale Street, there was a band already in the throes of a Blues Orgasm.  A smile stretched across my face and I thought, ok this is it!  However, I was quickly whisked away to another part of the building.  Torn from the sonic assault of the band.  I was marched up a dark staircase into a modern day speak easy.

What I didn’t know at the time is BB is hiding a fine dining restaurant on top of his kick ass juke joint.  Try the Duck and waffles, they’re to die for.

If you’re not into the fancy pants stuff head down stairs to catch an earful of blues and eat some of the best ribs I’ve ever had.  Also, your visit would not be complete without drinking a Strong Island Ice Tea and having some snacks off the  Meat and Cheese platter.

Flying Saucer – A tad bit off of Beale, this bar turned out to be the missing link in my life.  Quirky, friendly, fun, sexy (love those skirts ladies) and full of beer!  You can’t miss with this place.  It is easily in my Top 10 favorite bars of all time.  Special thanks to Courtney and Tiffany for making our first night there special, we will never forget you ladies.

The Joints to Avoid

Alfred’s – This place completely avoids the gritty/dirty South blues vibe of most of Beale and replaces it with a frat boy ambiance that is normally reserved for a college town rape-huts (AKA bars.)  Let’s put it this way, when you’re located on one of the most historically significant sites in America in terms of Blues culture, you don’t play Daughtry through the PA.

Pig – From the outside this spot looks like a for sure winner.  They even have a trophy in front window claiming to have won “Best Ribs 2003.”  Well in my opinion the fire must have went out in their smoker since then.  “Best Cold Food, Filthy Dining Room and Shit Service 2012.” is the trophy I would set aside for them.  Just cause your slogan is “Pork With an Attitude!”…doesn’t mean you should act like a dick.

Things to do When You’re Not Drunk

Rock N’ Soul Museum –   Whether you’re a hard core fan of Rock or Soul or just getting into the mix, this place is for you.  The museum does a great job of giving you a fantastic overview of the impact the Memphis music community has had on the greater music landscape from 1930-1970’s.

Sun Studios – Say what you will.  I am telling you this is the birthplace of rock and roll.  If you don’t know the history of Sun.  Stop what you’re doing… get down to Memphis and ask El Dorado to school your punk ass in the history of our rock world.  End of Story.

My Top 5 Beers

While I was slinking and gallivanting the streets of Memphis I had the pleasure of sampling over 20 different craft beers.  The list below is what i enjoyed most:

• Green Flash, Double Stout (American Double/Imperial Stout8.80% ABV):  Jet Black, smells of chocolatey malts and tastes of coffee and a tiny bit of fudge.
• 1516 Brewing Company, NZ Victory Hop Devil IPA (American IPA, 6.70% ABV):  Orange like amber color, smells of citrus and hops and tastes of grapefruit.  Little bit of bitter mixed with a subdued sweetness.
• Yazoo Brewing Company, Dos Perros (American Brown Ale, 3.50% ABV):  Pours a nice brown color, smells of  nuts and toffee and tastes earthy and sweet, very light cocoa.
• Spaten-Franziskaner-Bräu, Premium Lager (Munch Helles Lager, 5.20% ABV):  Clear, straw yellow, smells of grassy hops and hints of lemon.  Tastes of bread like malt.
• Yazoo Brewing Company, Sue (American Porter, 9.00% ABV):  Pours black as night, smells of smoke and tastes the same.  I absolutely adore this beer!

Episode 012 – King Troll

[audio http://awmr01.podbean.com/mf/web/xbqf92/Episode012.mp3]
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In today’s episode we introduce King Troll, Tony Leva (short-e), we talk some Tim Tebow to the Jets, Manning to the Broncos, call Skip Bayless an asshole, talk some Bulls, we talk some Blackhawk Hockey, wonder where Jack Haley went, we demand Tim Duncan to play DnD with us, we look at the Cubs/Sox seasons, and we reveal the top 10 pitchers in Chicago history.

Despite All This Cage… I’m Still Just a Drunk Douche

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

Before you read a single word of this article you must watch the video first.  Absolutely no exceptions.

Now that you have been injected with Mr. Cage’s madness let me explain to you what this is all about.  I hate drinking games.  I despise them in fact.  Just the idea of a bunch of sweaty douchey frat pack assholes packed around a table trying to throw tiny balls into a cup is enough to send me into a rage.  You don’t need a reason to drink, other than the fact that alcohol has not touched your lips in quite sometime.  With that being said, I’m about to do something that you should be used to in your life, let you down.

How you ask?

I invented a drinking game.  Not only did I invent a drinking game, I invented a drinking game that requires you to view, dare I say experience, the greatest movie ever committed to celluloid.  Vampire’s Kiss is beyond a mere master piece.  It is a pure concentrate of artistic brilliance.  Artists strive their whole lives to be able to cultivate the intangible ether of life, some fail and some succeed.  Vampire’s Kiss is one of those successes.  This only BEGINS to describe Vampire’s Kiss. 

I can see it in your face now.  You’re intrigued.  Great let’s move on.

“YOU GOTTA HAVE RULES AND YOU GOTTA HAVE DISCIPLINE” – SEAN NOKES

Below is a flexible list of rules on how to play our little game.  Remember you should look upon these rules as a guideline not a Bible, Koran, Tora or Maxim Magazine.  Please feel free to make up your own house rules or modify the listed rules however you see fit.  In fact if you do modify something, send me an email (rp@99sportsproblems.com) I’d love to read it.

1. Acquire a copy of Vampire’s Kiss.  It’s pretty fucking pointless if you don’t.
2. Stock up, depending on the amount of players, on the cheapest crap beer you can find.  However, do spend the money on a nice bourbon.  As much as you can afford.
3. Argue until you figure out who “The Doctor” is.  I find yelling the loudest usually wins.
4. Every player must have a beer and one shot in front of them.  Except for “The Doctor”.  She has to have two shots and a beer in front of her at all times.
5. A “drink” consists of a 3 second duration.  Count in your head, “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi… etc.”  Players accused of cheating must immediately take a shot.  More than one player calling you out is all the evidence needed.  Oh and in the words of Mr. Laux, “Quit bitching and take your shot.”
6. Any time you hear Peter Loew’s accent change take a drink.
7. During any doctor scene, “The Doctor” can hand out her medicine (one shot) to any player, unless said player yells out “Maria Conchita Alonso” before the shot is placed in front of them.  This phrase must be said PERFECTLY, if not player takes the shot.  If the player says the phrase correctly  “The Doctor” takes the shot.  No matter what the outcome the targeted player now becomes the doctor.
8. If Peter takes a drink you take a drink.
9. Every time Peter says “Alva” take a drink.
10. Every time you see Rachel the Vampire take a drink.
11. Every time you hear “Rattle Snake Hills” take a shot.
12. During the “ABC’s Scene” and “I’m a Vampire! Scene” drink until Peter stops screaming.
13. Every time the word “file” or “misfile” is said take a drink.
14. Every time Peter says “Too Late” take a drink.
15. Every time Peter says “I’m a Vampire” take a drink.
16. Every time Peter chatters his fake teeth take a drink.

Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You’re the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn’t ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That’s right, Alva. It’s a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn’t think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I’ll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good.

Find Me Here:

rp@99sportsproblems.com

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Beer Me

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

You stand up and head over to the dart board.  You see her.  Purple top, tight jeans and stupid Zooey Deschanel glasses.  Immediately you begin to ask your self why chicks think guys want to bang Rivers Coumo from Weezer?

Back down to the jeans… you get over the glasses.

Should you approach?

Should you try one of your Pick Up Artist Techniques that you learned from the TV?  Let’s see, there was something about insulting her best qualities, peacock my values in her face… then we bang like weird monkeys at 3AM in the parking lot of White Castle, AFTER she gets me the double chee meal.  Also, the creepy chicken rings with the powder ranch on them.

Before you notice what you’re doing, you’re walking toward her.  The sounds of Rob Bass echos out of the juke box and into the very fillings of your teeth.  This is it.  This is your movie scene where you say something witty and cute:

You slur, “WAN eh beard.. I meaan a beer?”

“What?” she says, puzzled.

“Yoo wand a beer?”

“Sure, I’d love one.”

“What do pretty girls like?”

“Surprise me!”

You carefully turn around, making sure not to fall over. You neatly make your way to the bar.  However, the panic has already sunk it’s teeth into your neck.  Surprise me?  Surprise me?!  What does that mean?  IPA?  Amber Ale?  Miller Lite?  Guinness?

I’m your friend out here pilgrim, so relax my well inebriated friend.  I’m here to help.  I know what you want.   You want to appear to be different.  You want the beer to do the talking for you.  Impress her.  Help you break the ice.  You want your beer to be suave and sophisticated, yet relaxed and non-rapist like.  Most importantly,  you don’t want your beer to be boring!  Below are five beers that maybe you have never heard of that will delight and impress your muse.

Beers:

Lips of Faith Series – Cocoa Mole

Taste: If you are Hispanic I’ll explain it like this,  It tastes like Abuelita’s recipe for spicy mole.  If not, imagine a chocolatey ale lightly seasoned with chile peppers then topped with a tad of cinnamon.  This beer screams summer!  Perfect for a beer garden experience that you will never forget.  Not too heavy, not too spicy, not too sweet… pretty much New Belgium hit the nail on the head with this one!

Stats: Brewed By New Belgium,  9.00% ABV, Chile Beer

Headwaters Pale Ale

Taste:  We were drinking this during the latest episode of our podcast and it’s what I like to call a work horse beer.  You can literally have this every day and never get sick of it.  Deep in Color. Crisp. Light. Little bit of grapefruit and nice and hoppy.

Stats: Brewed by Victory, 5.10% ABV, American Pale Ale.

Zombie Dust

Taste:  I went to the store.  Took out my credit card.  Bought a nice princess cut diamond ring.  Got back to the bar and tried to marry this beer.  She said maybe.  I adore this beer, nice orange body, hints of grapefruit and tobacco. Excellent.

Stats:  Brewed by Three Floyds, 6.20% ABV, American Pale Ale.

Rince Cochon

Taste: This machine is running clean.  Very carbonated.  Little Fruity.  Subtle Belgian style hops.

Stats: Brewed by Brouwerij, Roman N.V., 8.50% ABV, Belgian Strong Pale Ale.

120 Minute

Taste: This ain’t your daddy’s IPA, mainly cause your dad probably likes shit beer like Bud Light.  I absolutely love this beer.  However, you must respect it.  It packs a serious punch.  Malty, almost barely wine-ish.  Tons of hops. It’s a complex beauty.

Stats: Brewed by Dogfish Head Craft Brewery, 18% ABV, American Double/Imperial IPA

Why We Love NBA Jam Part 1: A New Kind of Game

I’ve spent a lot of time writing about baseball games these last couple of months. It’s only natural. Baseball is my favorite sport after all. I don’t feel like I’m doing anyone a disservice by writing solely about baseball, but a little variety now and then can’t hurt.

Basketball is not my game. I tried playing it when I was a kid and found that my two main skills, free throw shooting and fouling other players, weren’t a recipe for a star hoopster. Subsequently, I only enjoyed it when winning or losing didn’t matter to anyone involved. I loved playing 21 and horse during PE in both elementary and high school and to this day still love the idea of just shooting a ball around, not that I ever do. At the end of the day basketball is just a fun game that I can’t take seriously. At least I can’t take it seriously enough to watch others play.

That’s why I love NBA Jam.

It’s a basketball game that doesn’t take the sport seriously. While winning and losing may be a personal matter within the game, there’s no season riding on it. There are no teammates to ridicule or be ridiculed in the locker room after a blowout loss. There isn’t a shred of remorse or hurt feelings when a game is over. Just another couple of coins dumped into the slot. There have been several games released with the NBA Jam name, and many more similar games of varying quality under different titles. All hipster douchebaggary aside, the original arcade cabinet is still the best version available if you can find a place that has one. It had balanced teams and it just sounds and feels right. Plus it had Shaq and Barkley so there.

When you play NBA Jam on the original arcade cabinet, you are playing a caricature of one of the most exciting and storied times in basketball history. It was a time when old greats faced off against young new stars, new dynasties were being formed as old standbys crumbled, the NBA was taking chances by drafting new talent from Europe and for the first time sent its top stars up against the increasingly tough talent in the Olympic games. That’s not even mentioning that Micheal Jordan had just forced his name into the world’s collective consciousness, whether they liked it or not, by winning his third consecutive championship ring and five MVP awards in the process. (Two regular season, three finals.)

So why is NBA Jam still such a popular game? How has it endeared itself to so many fans? What’s the magic? What’s the trick? The gimmick? What’s the secret?

For one, it’s fast. The 3 minute quarters blink past without a care. It’s really a testament to how great a game is when people don’t even realize they are being duped into dumping extra coins in a game due to a fast counting clock. Then there’s the gameplay. Through all the shoving, turbo passes, flaming dunks, and shattered glass you don’t even realize how much time really goes by or how many games you’ve played. You put in your first quarter, you play, you look up and your pockets no longer jingle and its been three hours. What the hell?

Another reason people like NBA Jam is the flamboyantly comical art style and presentation. Between the static player photographs put on what seems to be a single body that is repeatedly pallet swapped and re-sized, and commentary provided by Tim Kitzrow it’s hard not to smile while you watch and listen to the game. Everything is so over the top that there’s no room for rational basketball rules. I mean, how do you call a foul in a game where you can set the net on fire with a dunk? How could you allow the game to stop just because the ball goes out of bounds when any given player jumps higher than the rim? You just can’t. It’s an arcade sports game at its core and NBA Jam does it so right, there’s no way to really improve it. Even the newest version on the Wii, PSN, and Xbox Live is just the same game with updated rosters and visuals.

There is, however, an underlying theory as to why people love NBA Jam. One that is buried within the confines of sports history and the evaluation of what was happening in basketball between 1991 and 1993. The 1980’s were a period of rising popularity for professional basketball. Starting in 1979 when Larry Bird and Magic Johnson entered the league, star player after star player emerged culminating in a virtual renaissance in the NBA. The 80’s saw the retirement of some of the game’s most storied players including Bill Walton, Kareem Abdul Jabar, Julius Irving, and Walt Frazier. But while these greats were taking a seat players like James Worthy, Isiah Thomas, John Stockton, Scottie Pippen, David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, Clyde Drexler, Chris Mullen, Karl Malone, Charles Barkley, and Micheal Jordan were easily making names for themselves in a sport that was fast becoming a contender for the worlds most popular sport. Basketball was clearly evolving and it would take a loss on the world’s stage for America to understand just how far the sport had come.

In 1988 the US men’s basketball team finished third in the Olympics. Third. They lost to Russia and Yugoslavia. What was happening? All the time the US was sending college kids to play in the Olympics in basketball the rest of the world was sending its best players to compete and they were getting better every year. The best players from the United States were in the NBA and weren’t allowed to play in the games due to their professional status. In effect, that gave the US a huge disadvantage. Sure nine of the players on the Russian and Yugoslavian teams that beat the American team ended up playing for the NBA at some point and with varying success, you may remember Vlade Divac, Toni Kukoc, and Drazen Petrovic, but that was no excuse. So in 1989 when the worlds governing body over international basketball, the FIBA, decided it was cool to allow professional players to compete the stage was set for something crazy to happen.

The 1992 US men’s basketball team featured eleven NBA players and one guy from Duke (pfft they couldn’t get one more?). Not only did they tear up the world qualifying tournaments, beating the six teams they played by an average of 52 points, but they flew through the Olympics with ease. They averaged 117 points per game and beat the opposition by an average of 44 points per game to win the gold medal that year. It was a great moment in sports history and The Dream Team is one of only eight complete teams to be elected to the basketball hall of fame. Combine that with basketball’s general rising popularity and you have a country ready to eat up anything basketball related. NBA Jam couldn’t possibly fail in at atmosphere like that.

NBA Jam represents a time in sports history where everything was on an upswing and a time in video game history when new avenues of game development were being explored. These two elements combined to bring about a classic game that painted a bombastic and flashy picture of American culture. One that I dearly miss and has yet to be matched.

Stay tuned for part two, The ghosts of Reggie Lewis and Drazen Petrovic.

Boomshakalaka.

The Home Bar Part Two: Tame the Beast!

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

The Lifeblood

You are it.  You are the thing that stands between a great night and a bad night.  You are the gatekeeper and in those bottles behind you are all the keys to all the kingdoms.  “How do you keep from being a shitty bartender?” you ask.  Below are some tips and advice from yours truly:

Don’t Sweat the Technique:

First, lets take you through a few moves to add to your arsenal.

• Chilling a Glass – If you have the room try to store your glassware in a freezer or refrigerator.  If you do not have the room, it’s cool don’t frown, all you have to do is fill your glass with ice and water.  All the way to the point of no return… Once that is finished start to prepare the cocktail.  Grab your chilled glassware, pour out the ice and water, pour in your completed cocktail.  There you have it, one chilled glass.

• Shaking –   If you truly want to be a master of mixology you need to learn when and how to properly use your shaker.  Shakers come into play if the cocktail you are making contains:  fruit juice, milk, eggs, cream, horseradish or any other thick ingredients.

1. Fill the glass half of your Boston Shaker with 2/3 ice.
2. Add the other ingredients.
3. Place the glass half down, place the metal half on top and hit the metal end make sure it is firmly locked in.
4. Make sure the metal half is down.
5. Bring the shaker, one hand on the glass half the other on the metal, to the side of your head.  Shake vigorously for 10-20 seconds.
6. Finish the process with the metal cup on the bottom.
7. Rap the side of the shaker where the two cups meet to open it.
8. Fit the inside of the metal cup with a Hawthorne Strainer, hold in place with your index finger, strain your chilled concoction into your hopefully already chilled glass.
9. Enjoy.

Let’s try your new skills out:

Scottish Side Car

2 1/2 ounces scotch

1/2 ounce triple sec

1 ounce orange juice

Pour all ingredients into a shaker 2/3 full of ice cubes.  Shake well. Strain into a chilled Cocktail glass.

• Muddling –  Clearly this activity requires a…. wait for it… A MUDDLER!  Also, it would be wise to use a sturdy glass when performing this little diddy.  You definitely do not want to use grand ma mas fine China for this.  Place the ingredients at the bottom of the glass.  Use the flat end of the Muddler to smash vigorously.  So let’s try this little skill out:

Mojito

6 to 8 fresh mint leaves

3/4 ounce simple syrup

half a lime cut into smaller wedges

2 ounces light rum

2 ounces club soda

lime wedge for garnish

Place the mint leaves, simple syrup, and lime wedges in the bottom of a High Ball glass, MUDDLE WELL.  Fill the glass with crushed ice.  Add the rum and club soda.  Stir briefly.  Add the lime wedge garnish.

• Blending –  If there is no stated ice amount in the recipe, fill the blender no more than half with ice.  Add ingredients.  Cover (duh.)  Pulse and blend.  Listen closely for the sound of the blender to change.  Puree until lumps are gone!  DO IT!:

Rum Runner

2 ounces Bacardi 151 proof rum

1 1/2 ounces blackberry brandy

1 ounce creme de banane

1/2 ounce fresh lime juice

splash of grenadine

lime wedge for garnish

Pour in all the liquid ingredients into blender.  Add 4-6 ice cubes.  Blend and pulse until smooth.  Pour into wine goblet.  Add lime garnish.

 

• “Salting” a Glass –  There is nothing worse than ordering a margarita and having half a cup of salt in it.  This little tip will help you not suck at garnishing drinks with dry ingredients.  First, you want to take your dry ingredients like salt, cocoa powder, nutmeg etc.. and put them in individual salt shakers.  Next, coat the OUTSIDE of the glass only with either your fruit of choice or a little bit of spirits soaked in a paper towel.  Take the coated glass over a sink and sprinkle your desired ingredient.  BOOM… FACED:

Margarita

Kosher Salt

Lime Wedge

3 ounce white tequila

2 ounces of Cointreau or triple sec

1 ounce fresh lime juice

Prepare the glass… the right way.  Pour all ingredients into a shaker 2/3 full of ice.  Shake well.  Strain into prepared glass.

 

So there you have it folks.  I hope some of you learned something today.  The rest of you… continue to be savages in world of gentleman and fine quaffed ladies.

Missed Part One?  It’s Right Here!

The Home Bar Part One: Tame the Beast!

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

We have all dreamed of opening a bar.  You usually get the bug right after the credits to Cocktail roll at 2 in the morning and you were too wasted to get up and grab the remote.  Now you may not have the scratch to go out and buy a building and start building your empire, but you may have room in the dining room or living room to set up a little home bar.  Below is a list of tools, tips and recipes to get you on your way.  Now please enjoy part one of The Home Bar.

Tools of the Trade:

Here is a list of tools that you will need to make any concoction that you can ever dream of, some of these are more important than others, it just depends how far down the rabbit hole you want to go.

• Bar Spoon:  This little dude is long, has a twisted shaft and is adorned with a tear drop liked spoon.  I know what you’re thinking ladies, but this is specifically for making drinks.  Pretty handy for stirring with one hand.
• Bar Towels:  Cleaning up messes and shining the glassware.  It’s always good to have a few of these bad boys laying around.
• Blender:  Love daiquiris and margaritas?  Well then you’ll need one of these puppies.  If you can afford it go with a nice metal one instead of plastic.
• Boston Shaker:  The essential tool for cocktail mixing.  It consists of two cups, one metal and the other glass.  The metal cup is placed over the glass and the two are then shaken until the mixture inside has been fully incorporated.  When you separate the two halves, if poured from the metal cup use a Hawthorne strainer, if pouring from the glass cup use a julep strainer.
• Bottle Opener:  Well…. yeah.  (Using a lighter to open a bottle is also an option, if you’re a mac daddy pimp and know how to do it.)
• Can Opener:  You know it.. you’ve used it.
• Champagne Stopper:  You don’t want your bubbly to go flat… this guy will help you.
• Church Key:  If you don’t want to go with just a bottle opener you can get down with one of these little buddies.  The pointy end can be used to pierce the top of tomato or coconut juice cans.
• Juicer or Citrus Reamer:  Who wouldn’t want fresh OJ for their Mimosas?
• Citrus Stripper and Zesters:  Into making fancy garnishes or adding that potent zest to bring out the flavor of a cocktail?  Then you’ll definitely need one of these.
• Coasters or Cocktail napkins:  Do you respect wood?  Well we do.  Don’t leave those unsightly water stains on your bar and don’t let your friends do it either.
• Cocktail Picks: For picking up garnishes… don’t use your fingers… bunch of savages in this town… I swear.
• Corkscrew: Absolutely essential tool for opening corked bottles.  If you don’t know what a corkscrew is… you probably should not be drinking.
• Cutting Board: You have to have a clean place to cut up your garnishes.
• Glass Pitcher:  For storing juices or punches that you have created.
• Ice Bucket: This little guy is vital.  Almost everything you will create will involve ice.  No one wants to be running back and forth from the ice maker to the bar every time you want to make a cold drink.  Save yourself the running game.
• Ice Scoop: No one wants your filthy hands on their ice.
• Jigger: Usually metal, hour glass shaped device that usually has a 1 once measure on one side and a one and a half once measure on the other side.  However, they do make different types of jiggers so make sure to check yours.
• Muddler:  Usually a wooden and pestle shaped.  This nifty dude is used to crush ingredients at the bottom of a glass.
• Cocktail Straws:  Used for mixing your drink in the glass and sipping.
• Speed Pourers:  A removable pouring spout that allows the bartender to pick up bottles and pour immediately.  It is also the essential element used for “count pouring” which we will discuss in the later sections of this article.
• Strainer:  There are two types available for bars.  A Hawthorne Strainer and a Julep strainer.

Now, that’s not too bad of a list is it.  In fact you probably have most of these things already buried in a junk drawer somewhere.  So what’s next?  Well, what are you going to serve all these lovely drinks in?

Glassware:

There are over two dozen different types of glassware that you can stock your bar with, however before you run out and buy a new collection of stuff think about how much entertaining you actually do.  How many times a month do you entertain?  On average how many peeps do you usually have over?  What are the tastes of your guest?  For instance, if you don’t find that you and your scumbag friends drinking too many glasses of champagne, don’t go buy a dozen champagne saucers.  Below is a list of bare minimums to get the party cracking.

• Beer Glass or Mug 16-20 oz
• Pilsner Glass 10-20 oz
• All Purpose Wine Goblet 8-14 oz
• Champagne Flute 6-9 oz
• Cocktail Glass 4-12 oz
• Collins Glass 8-14 oz
• Shot Glass 1-3 oz
• Rocks Glass 5-6 oz

The Home Bar Part Two: Tame the Beast!