Of Mouth Breathing Champions

I hope you’re happy, America.

I know I am. There have been countless times over the past 20 or so weeks where I’ve made plans on a Sunday only to see them hopelessly disintegrate as slackjawed friends look at me with glassy eyes and respond in a monotone voice, “awww I can’t…football.”

That’s barely a fucking sentence dicklips. Only football would give people the excuse to be lame on a damn Sunday. Do you know how many glorious afternoons have been ruined because all of America has been quietly enslaved by the longest fucking sport in American history?

“But brah, it moves so fast.”

Yeah, but it takes 4 hours to complete thanks to the countless fucking ads that are thrown in there. Look, I like football, but Tebow fucking Christ it’s no damn excuse to waste your life away on a couch while eating Jays potato chips and just generally not accomplishing anything of real note. That’s just stupid to dedicate so much time to one thing.

Ok, fuck you, that game is outstanding and it’s totally not the same thing. I waste countless nights on that game, which doesn’t interfere at all with my very busy social schedule.

What? I’m popular. Really. I am.

Anyway, the game was cool, the Super Bowl was pretty super, and at the end of the day the younger brother who everyone thought was a mouth breathing idiot whose success was credited to the mistakes of others beat the reincarnation of Joe Cool.

Again.

And this loss isn’t even on Brady, Cap’n Clutch did all he could, future Bears washout Wes Welker just couldn’t catch the damn ball.

But whatever, that matters very little.

Eli is Eli-te.

Does football make people stupider? I’m almost convinced of this fact. Conversations during football are restricted to grunts, pass the dip, random yells of excitement and I need a cigarette.

Or is that during sex? Whatever, either way you’re getting stupider.

I know playing football makes you dumber, Raul posed the question, are there any interesting characters in football?

I can’t think of any off the top of my head. Ask me about that in baseball and there’s dozens of guys that have interesting quirks. I mean, baseball players are pretty stupid too, but there’s a special brand of stupid going on in the NFL.

America, we live in a world where stupidity is being celebrated. Football is the stoneage, I’ll just come out and say that. Where else would a self-aggrandizing Christian who can barely perform the functions of his job title be so celebrated?

I mean, football conversations are basic, fundamental, boring almost. “Brah, did you see that hit? Killer brah.”

“Tebow? He just wins games.”

Inherently there is a lot of strategy in football, I won’t deny it, but the football conversations I’ve been having with people aren’t intellectually stimulating.

About the game itself, it was exciting, but ultimately it was about who failed to do what. It wasn’t a shootout like I was expecting, and the defense wasn’t even that great. It came down to who was going to make the fewer mistakes, and the Giants limited those mistakes.

This is fine, I’m glad football is gone, I could go without it for awhile, the Bears suck, the Packers are going to dominate for awhile, the Lions are going to be really good. I mean, my local angle is gone for now, and I’ll be watching basketball more often next year anyway.

The lasting impression from this SB is the historical niche Eli has carved out for himself. It’s fascinating, you can actually have a conversation about who was better, Manning the Lesser or Manning the Greater. That’s fine, Eli’s really good and he can close out a game.

But seriously, brah, that hit, wicked.