The Home Bar Part One: Tame the Beast!

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

We have all dreamed of opening a bar.  You usually get the bug right after the credits to Cocktail roll at 2 in the morning and you were too wasted to get up and grab the remote.  Now you may not have the scratch to go out and buy a building and start building your empire, but you may have room in the dining room or living room to set up a little home bar.  Below is a list of tools, tips and recipes to get you on your way.  Now please enjoy part one of The Home Bar.

Tools of the Trade:

Here is a list of tools that you will need to make any concoction that you can ever dream of, some of these are more important than others, it just depends how far down the rabbit hole you want to go.

• Bar Spoon:  This little dude is long, has a twisted shaft and is adorned with a tear drop liked spoon.  I know what you’re thinking ladies, but this is specifically for making drinks.  Pretty handy for stirring with one hand.
• Bar Towels:  Cleaning up messes and shining the glassware.  It’s always good to have a few of these bad boys laying around.
• Blender:  Love daiquiris and margaritas?  Well then you’ll need one of these puppies.  If you can afford it go with a nice metal one instead of plastic.
• Boston Shaker:  The essential tool for cocktail mixing.  It consists of two cups, one metal and the other glass.  The metal cup is placed over the glass and the two are then shaken until the mixture inside has been fully incorporated.  When you separate the two halves, if poured from the metal cup use a Hawthorne strainer, if pouring from the glass cup use a julep strainer.
• Bottle Opener:  Well…. yeah.  (Using a lighter to open a bottle is also an option, if you’re a mac daddy pimp and know how to do it.)
• Can Opener:  You know it.. you’ve used it.
• Champagne Stopper:  You don’t want your bubbly to go flat… this guy will help you.
• Church Key:  If you don’t want to go with just a bottle opener you can get down with one of these little buddies.  The pointy end can be used to pierce the top of tomato or coconut juice cans.
• Juicer or Citrus Reamer:  Who wouldn’t want fresh OJ for their Mimosas?
• Citrus Stripper and Zesters:  Into making fancy garnishes or adding that potent zest to bring out the flavor of a cocktail?  Then you’ll definitely need one of these.
• Coasters or Cocktail napkins:  Do you respect wood?  Well we do.  Don’t leave those unsightly water stains on your bar and don’t let your friends do it either.
• Cocktail Picks: For picking up garnishes… don’t use your fingers… bunch of savages in this town… I swear.
• Corkscrew: Absolutely essential tool for opening corked bottles.  If you don’t know what a corkscrew is… you probably should not be drinking.
• Cutting Board: You have to have a clean place to cut up your garnishes.
• Glass Pitcher:  For storing juices or punches that you have created.
• Ice Bucket: This little guy is vital.  Almost everything you will create will involve ice.  No one wants to be running back and forth from the ice maker to the bar every time you want to make a cold drink.  Save yourself the running game.
• Ice Scoop: No one wants your filthy hands on their ice.
• Jigger: Usually metal, hour glass shaped device that usually has a 1 once measure on one side and a one and a half once measure on the other side.  However, they do make different types of jiggers so make sure to check yours.
• Muddler:  Usually a wooden and pestle shaped.  This nifty dude is used to crush ingredients at the bottom of a glass.
• Cocktail Straws:  Used for mixing your drink in the glass and sipping.
• Speed Pourers:  A removable pouring spout that allows the bartender to pick up bottles and pour immediately.  It is also the essential element used for “count pouring” which we will discuss in the later sections of this article.
• Strainer:  There are two types available for bars.  A Hawthorne Strainer and a Julep strainer.

Now, that’s not too bad of a list is it.  In fact you probably have most of these things already buried in a junk drawer somewhere.  So what’s next?  Well, what are you going to serve all these lovely drinks in?

Glassware:

There are over two dozen different types of glassware that you can stock your bar with, however before you run out and buy a new collection of stuff think about how much entertaining you actually do.  How many times a month do you entertain?  On average how many peeps do you usually have over?  What are the tastes of your guest?  For instance, if you don’t find that you and your scumbag friends drinking too many glasses of champagne, don’t go buy a dozen champagne saucers.  Below is a list of bare minimums to get the party cracking.

• Beer Glass or Mug 16-20 oz
• Pilsner Glass 10-20 oz
• All Purpose Wine Goblet 8-14 oz
• Champagne Flute 6-9 oz
• Cocktail Glass 4-12 oz
• Collins Glass 8-14 oz
• Shot Glass 1-3 oz
• Rocks Glass 5-6 oz

The Home Bar Part Two: Tame the Beast!

Amateur Hour or Top Ten Drinking Mistakes…

By: Raul Parra

Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com

Twitter: ParraPalliative

NYE is right around the corner and I thought I would compile a list of what I consider the most common drinking mistakes that people make on NYE:

10) If you don’t bring anything don’t complain about the spread.

“This is something that extends far beyond the typical beer party spectrum, but it is especially irksome when someone complains about the beer and only brought some ice to the party. Listen people, it isn’t difficult, if you’re too poor/lazy/rude to bring anything to a party, don’t bitch about what’s there. I know I’ve been to plenty of parties that weren’t going to have my beer, but I handled it like a pro. Bring what you like, maybe you’ll convert some people, but more importantly, you’ll get to drink your stuff.”
-Moe

9) Don’t consume drinks you wouldn’t normally drink.

“I don’t do champagne. The first time I did was during college at a NYE party with some friends. I had it amongst other beverages and well, the result was a very hungover me dragging my friend to the CTA for a penny ride at 6 am because he wouldn’t go to sleep and demanded to go home. It’s just not a good idea to stray from what you’re used to on NYE. You’ll drink too much of it and then you’re screwed. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.”
-Moe

8) Don’t post on Facebook how drunk you are/how much you’ve had to drink.

“I hate these updates when I see them and I hate them when I can see someone on their phone updating their Facebook. It’s pretty classless. The cardinal sin though is when that person is walking through the door and is on their smartphone, updating their shit. Nothing says class like a limp handshake and a mumbled ‘oh hey yeah sup.’ People like that need to be punched in the face.”
-Moe

7) Space your shots out/know your weakness.

“I can’t handle vodka. I’ve realized this after a few hopeless battles against the beast. I can’t beat it, neither can you. Alcohol to this date is undefeated. You’re not going to win. As valiant as the struggle may be, it’ll end with you puking up your food on a stairwell after yelling ‘I JUST WANNA GET LAID.’ Know what you can’t handle and stay away from it. Space the shots, it’s a marathon, not a sprint, get to the end, don’t knock out within an hour of showing up.”
-Moe

6) Stay away from Girly drinks

“If you hear the phrase, “You want a Red Headed Slut…”, don’t get too excited your host isn’t talking about her voluminous cousin.  She’s talking about a sugar infused poison concoction that will put you in a hangover coma the next day.  Lemme break it down for you, Sugar+booze=dehydration which in turn equals a wicked hardcore (Boston accent) hangover.  Avoid any drink with excessive mixers with sugar and you will be in post inebriation bliss.”  -Raul

5) Wine is not a shooter… seriously.

“I don’t have anything against wine. I rather like it sometimes. It’s an experience if you do it right. Get the right bottle, savor it, enjoy it, pair it with the right meal, put on the right music and you have yourself a night. It can also be something that gets you to your happy place. It is not, however, a shooter. Don’t make this mistake. I’ve known a few wino’s in my time, I may have dated a few, and this is such a classic bad move. You don’t need to consume a bunch of wine in a short amount of time. It’s not cool and it’s just not worth it.”
-Moe

4) Don’t piss off your bartender.

“Unless you go to shitty brah bars or just a shitty bar in general, your bartender knows what they are doing. They know you want your sparkly at midnight, don’t fret, just relax and it’ll get to you. Bars are usually well prepared for NYE. At a house party, don’t piss off the host, and do not disrespect the house. Where I’m from showing disrespect to a person’s house got your ass beat mercilessly. Just be respectful.”
-Moe

3) No drinking games.

“I like drinking beer, I hate having to work for it. Drinking games are fine in college, I guess. You’re a rookie at that time and anything alcohol related seems cool. But you should be a seasoned vet now, beer pong and beruit are for kids. It’s time to grow up and enjoy an adult beverage like, well, an adult (funny how that works). Stop hanging on to your college days, they’re over. Just drink the damn beer and make small talk. It’s not hard.”
-Moe

2) No drunk sexting your Ex or Current Crush.

“No wants to wake up and immediately check their Facebook Inbox or text inbox to see what kind of drunk Promethean like sex crazed freak they turned into after they black outed.  Turn your phone off and save your self the embarrassment. Especially if you are pursuing an honest relationship with said crush.. or you accidentally send the text to your boss.” – Raul

1) No DUIs

“Oldest rule in the book. The CTA offers penny rides on NYE now. There’s even a AAA towing service available in certain towns (1-800-222-4357, but check the availability first, don’t be a dunderhead and get all plastered and demand for a free tow. Shit’s expensive).”
-Moe