The SaniTERRYum XIX:

The Blackhawks remain undefeated (in regulation) a quarter of the way through the NHL season and coming home from a ridiculously successful extended road trip. Tom Thibodeau and The Bulls continue to plug right along, anxiously awaiting the return of Número Uno. And here I am, about to talk to you about some motherfucking Rugby.

Fumbling through Saturday’s monotonous network programming, I stumbled upon some good old fashioned Rugby. On NBC, no less.

Am I crazy or is Rugby not only completely badass, but also waaaaay cooler than Football? Where I come from, Rugby doesn’t even exist. I’ve heard of this sport you speak of, but seeing it is a-whole-nother-thing

Are you feeling a little empty since the American football season ended? Need something to fill that void? Post Super Bowl blues gotcha down? Have a hankering for something familiarly similar yet maybe just for you? Might I suggest…Rugby?

Rugby’s like football on steroids and amphetamines if NFL players weren’t already on steroids and amphetamines. It’s like if football was one long, constant backwards lateral pass and what looks like a touchdown is worth 5 points. Where kickers look to posess a skill set beyond one precise motion. Where there are no pads. Where the ball is bigger and harder to handle. Where the halves are hella short. Where the plays are fast and furious and you mit find yourself in an organized scrum. Come to think of it, Rugby is nothing like football.

I never learned this on Flight Of The Conchords, but New Zealanders rule supreme in it. Awesome.

After taking in a full Saturday docket of Rugby, I still don’t completely understand the rules/scoring/much of it at all, but I do know this: it is fun as hell to watch.

SPORTS!

Soon

The Derrick Rose recovery saga is becoming a daily drama, which is both tantalizing and agonizing.

On the one hand the increase in updates means that a return is soon, on the other it means that we’ll be watching for the white smoke every day for a few weeks now.

I’m excited about Derrick Rose making a return, not only for the entertainment value, but also because Rose feels like one of us.

He seems like a Chicagoan.

There’s one player about which I cannot be objective about, and that’s Poohdini.

Soon my friends.

Soon.

Episode 018 – Rigor Mortis Is A Motherfucker On A Pussy

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• 00:03 – “Hey it’s me it’s Andy it’s mah birfday”
• 00:24 – Propers
• 03:00 – Andy listens to stupid shit at a baseball game
• 06:56 – Current pitchers that could survive in a 4-man rotation
• 12:39 – Baseball video game talk
• 14:40 – Mike Lovendahl and the Bears
• 15:40 – “We almost had a professional segue”
• 19:30 – Breakage
• 20:30 – Bears talk
• 26:00 – Where is Bill Cartwright now?
• 30:10 – Dusty Ventura
• 34:10 – The Year of Kenny
• 40:10 – South Side Face
• 42:48 – “Why do I know this much about Dan Johnson?”
• 44:15 – Breakage
• 45:00 – Cubs callups
• 50:40 – Talking about the Cubs rebuild
• 1:01:00 – Top Ten Rec League Douche Moments
• 1:07:57 – “What are you talking about Randy? He’s…6…”
• 1:12:25 – “Basically Randy is a raging fucking cunt”
• 1:15:50 – The douchiest story ever told
• 1:19:20 – Bye Bye

www.99sportsproblems.com @sportsproblems

Episode 016 – The Ballad of Mudbone

[audio http://awmr01.podbean.com/mf/web/tm8rv/Episode_016.mp3]

iTunes Linkage

• 00:35 – Andy fucks up
• 02:30 – First place White Sox
• 09:00 – Giving Seattle fans some Chicago love
• 10:30 – Young Guns
• 15:40 – Lucky Dog
• 16:50 – Concussion talk
• 23:20 – Bears Talk
• 27:37 – Raul’s summer beer advice
• 31:48 – NBA Jam and BJ Armstrong, Where are They Now
• 37:26 – The Cubs are indeed, awful
• 39:00 – Because I’m Mexican
• 43:50 – “I fucking hate softball”
• 46:40 – Top Ten Individual Seasons
• 01:04:07 – Origins of Mudbone

Episode 015 – I Have A Cloak Of Loneliness And A Lotion Of Pleasure

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• 0:48 Andy is dead this episode
• 1:15 Propers
• 2:10 Tony thinks Twitter is exuberantly happy
• 2:46 Ted Lyons Sunday Starter
• 9:30 Top Ten MLB HOFers that need to be kicked out
• 19:38 Breakage
• 20:15 Beer brewed with maple syrup
• 22:00 Andy’s story time
• 23:00 Waite Hoyt sucks too
• 25:00 @SaintLouisSport
• 25:30 White Sox talk
• 37:02 Chicago Cubs talk
• 43:54 Breakage
• 44:30 A buncha gutless dogs that folded like lawn chairs
• 48:43 House Cleaning
• 51:58 Where Are They Now: Bo Jackson
• 57:50 The show never really ends
• 59:27 Bye-bye

The SaniTERRYum XI: Since We Last Spoke

Since We Last Spoke: Brian LaHair has become The Babe reincarnated in Cubbie Blue, Josh Hamilton went on a binge (the home run hitting kind, not the other kind), NATO has begun its takeover of our fine city, President Obama endorsed gay marriage, and we’ve achieved peace in the Middle East. Well, maybe not the last one, but while we’re fantasizing about things that never happened but should…

…The Bulls just swept the listless, overmatched, lazy defending, inconsistent, bite-off-more-than-they-can-chew-by-saying-they’d-rather-see-The-Bulls-in-The-Playoffs Philadelphia 76ers, and they’re up 2-0 against the obviously aging Boston Celtics. Doug Collins has pulled out the last of his receding Silver Fox coiffure trying to figure out how to stop reigning MVP Derrick Rose from shredding his entire team en route to averaging a triple double for the series. The few Sixer fans who’ve bothered to show up for the two games at Wachovia Center chanted, “MVP, MVP!” every time Chicago’s finest stepped to the free throw line to put the nail in the coffin of this clearly inferior team. Luol Deng fed off of D-Rose’s championship tone setting play, and he showed why he was an All-Star earlier this year. Joakim Noah tore up the court the way only he can. He embarrassed the hell out of Spencer Hawes at every opportunity. 

I know this was a shortened season with more likelihood for injury and setbacks, but damn! This was simply ridiculous. There will forever be an asterisk linked to whoever claims Larry O’Brien this year, but this really felt like Da Bulls’ year. For real. Legitimately. The same feeling is probably being felt by Oklahoma City or Miami or (yet again) San Antonio natives this year, too. Well, go ahead and marinate on this: take Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden off of the Thunder. Remove LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh from the Heat roster. Timmy goes down along with Manu and Tony? Hell, take the top three players from any contender, and they instantly become candidates for the lottery. 

Fuck the 2012 NBA season. Derrick Rose may never be the same again. A torn ACL takes away a leaper’s leap and a cutter’s cut, especially a 6’3″ point guard’s ability to explode to the cup the way Derrick does (did?). No one wants to hear this, and I guarantee he feels worse than anybody about the whole situation, but it bears mentioning that without Derrick the Bulls might not ever get back to their championship level with Thibs’ current core. 

Anybody remember Penny Hardaway by any chance? Exactly.

But it has been a depressing season this year for Chicago sports. Not the traditional “our teams suck” brand of depression. It’s the brand of depression that involves high expectations, championship-caliber ball being played and then injuries and unforeseen circumstances taking over the fate of a season. The window in professional sports gets smaller and smaller for franchises, and the Bulls’ window might have just slammed shut with one snap of a kneecap. The same happened with the Bears this year. And the Blackhawks. 

Which brings me to a very important existential question: is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all? The sports version of that conundrum boils down to this: is it better to have a great team and have it injure itself before potential gets realized or just to have sucked all along. Maybe we should round up a gang of Cleveland Browns or Charlotte Bobcats (sorry, Mike) fans to gain some perspective into the world of sucking. Or we can just take a cue from one of our baseball teams, and just, oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m saying this…

…wait till next year.

What You Missed Over Your Drunken Mother’s Day

• Reggie Rose talks about brother Derrick’s successful ACL surgery, so that’s good, I guess…shoot me.
• Deng is totes gonna play in the Olympics. Here’s why he shouldn’t.
• Everyone is getting a statue these days.
• People still don’t know how to deal with LeBron’s dominance.
• Humber was good, bullpen? Bad. Very bad.
• Ventura says he would consider playing Dunn in left at Wrigley.
• Sale struggled in his return on Saturday, but at least his role was clarified. Cooper took it like he was Kenny’s bitch. Which he might be.
• Carlos Marmol is on the DL.
• SHARK!
• Brewers win 2 of 3 from the Cubs (one game actually put Tony to sleep. I was there. I know), force Cubs into the cellar by themselves.
• I go to you. I stick up for you. And if you take a Hamilton/Kemp HR chase away from us… I say fuck you Jobu. I do it myself
• Speaking of Josh Hamilton.

 

Episode – 014 Nickle and Dime People

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• 0:01 Lee Elia Rant
• 2:00 Introduction and Propers/It’s Pat!
• 4:30 Bulls/Derrick Rose Sad Face
• 8:00 Happy Lee Elia Day
• 9:50 The Ted Lyons Sunday Starter/General Baseball Notes
• 16:50 NFL Draft
• 26:50 Beer Breakage
• 27:19 Wing Walker Beer
• 28:30 Where are they Now? Black Jack McDowell
• 32:14 The Slugging Konerko’s
• 37:32 That Young Awful Cubs Team
• 41:35 Breakage
• 42:00 Tony Talks about his feelings/Hawks Eulogy
• 53:30 Top Ten NFL Draft Busts

It Wasn’t Supposed To Be Like This

by: Mauricio Rubio Jr.
email: mr@99sportsproblems.com
twitter: @MRubio52

I’ve been avoiding this. This whole Bulls thing that just happened. It’s not good, not in the least. It’s been covered, and I don’t have to review the details really.

All I can say is that it sucks. It really, really sucks. The life of an NBA midget has a finite number of nicks and bruises that it can take, and Rose, Rose has been through hell.

Before you start, the kid is tough as nails, and that’s his real fault. Him and Thibs, both together in this, can’t dial it back. I don’t blame him, I don’t blame anyone or anything but luck really. It happens, torn ACL’s can happen at any point, and while that’s really shitty analysis, it’s honest analysis. The easy thing is to blame Thibs, but the real issue here is a heart that won’t stop beating, a mindset that won’t give up, a sense of responsibility to teammates and fans that won’t allow him to sit, the real thing here is the massive heart of Derrick Rose.

It’s not a negative 99% of the time. There are the times when he demands the ball, demands the shot, demands the weight of a team, of a city, and takes all the responsibility if it fails, and shares the adulation if he succeeds. But that 1%, that percentage when it could backfire, it did. It happened early in the year and he was never really healthy. He pressed to come back even though it was clear to the eye that he was never anything approaching even 80%. When he went out there, he was sluggish, slow, normal. That was the kicker, he looked average.

What an awful thing to witness, average, when you are used to the superlative. It hurt to see him turn a corner at half speed and realize the extra gear wasn’t there, that he couldn’t push it as hard as he so desperately wanted to. It hurt, I tried to ignore it, I tried to tell myself that it’ll be fine, it’ll clear, he’ll find the gear in the playoffs.

No. No he didn’t.

All of three games and the playoff hopes of a team are dashed. Sure, they will still probably beat Philly. They might sneak by either Boston or Atlanta. But that specter is looming on the other side of a bracket that looks like more feed to the maw at this point. A demolishing force is coming for Chicago, and as much as I want to believe in TEAM, and #doitforderrick, I can’t do it. I’m rooting for the Bulls, I am still a fan, but in my heart, I know I’ve seen this before. This Heat engine is humming, and it’s going to be annoyingly loud throughout the playoffs.

Luol&
CJ&
Rip&
Carlos&
Noah

I dunno. I really liked it when #1 meant something to that list. Sadly, he won’t this year.

Send Us Your Sports Problems

Hey there folks, we’re looking for your email questions for this week’s podcast episode, which we will be recording on Sunday. Topics we are discussing include the following:

• NFL Draft results
• Phil Humber, Jake Peavy, and the White Sox pitching staff
• Cubs farm system
• All time NFL draft busts
• AL/NL updates (Matt Kemp really wants that MVP award)
• Beer, what are you guys drinking these days?
• Blackhawks eulogy

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