Posts Tagged ‘Bobby Hull’

by: Tony Leva
email: tonytrucker1969@gmail.com

Patrick Kane needs to learn how to drink

Over the Cinco de Mayo weekend, Deadspin cover boy Patrick Kane visited the University of Wisconsin at Madison campus and proceeded to get so liquored up that pics of him and accompanying stories of debauchery swept this glorious thing we call the internet. What, you missed them? Well, here’s a sample of KANER’s weekend fun…

So what’s the big deal, you ask? Surely there’s nothing wrong with a 23 year old multi-millionaire superstar athlete having a good time cruising the co-ed population and drinking enough to kill a large yak, right? Well, yes and no.

Here’s what’s no big deal….Kane is of legal drinking age and his team is out of the playoffs. He didn’t do anything wrong aside from acting like a drunken buffoon. (As of today, Madison police said no charges will be filed against Kane and they are unaware of any complaints filed by anyone against him. Kane was rumored to have choked a co-ed at some point during his weekend.) Even with his appalling fashion sense, I’m sure he got a little somethinsomethin as long as the whiskey dick wasn’t overwhelming. Hell, I wish I had gone with him.

Here’s what is a big deal….Kane represents a first-class hockey organization and this isn’t the first time he’s acted like a wank. He has been a Deadspin favorite for years now and is always good for some drunken hijinks. The Vancouver limo pics are a personal favorite of mine.

He’s guilty not only of hogging here, but also of being a pattern dickhole. The incidents like this have been piling up over the past few years. Remember the parade on June 11, 2010? I was there when Kane was crocked out of his mind and slurred his way through his turn at the mic. Not a big deal as the first championship for anyone, especially the guy who scored the Cup-winning goal, is bound to be an occasion where you totally overserve yourself. Pattern behavior like this isn’t good.



CHUG-A-LUG!!

When you are a superstar like Kane is, you need to make smarter choices, especially in this day and age when EVERYONE has a cameraphone and is all too happy to snap away when a guy like Kane acts like this. You simply can’t continue to give the masses who want to tear you down ammo to blast you with. Until he starts making smarter choices and either tones this WAY down or opens his own private bar and drinks alone like the George Thorogood song suggests, I’m sure Kaner will be social media’s favorite drunken clown.

As for his future, the TRADE KANE!! faction is up-in-arms again, imploring the team to get rid of him ASAP for any return he can bring. Those people should not only be beaten with a rubber hose, they are hypocrites of the highest order.

First off, trading Kane right now would be stupid for a couple of reasons. One, you will not get anywhere near full value for him. When you have a 23-year-old who is an elite playmaker and possesses a resume like Kane does, you don’t deal him when his value is compromised. We went through this last season when Kane was slumping. Giving away an asset like this, only to watch him find his game again for the next decade or so would be grossly incompetent.

Secondly, you are hurting your team on the ice in a huge way. We need another top 6 forward as it is and with Hossa’s return uncertain, we may need two. Dealing Kane would leave a hole as big as the hangover I’m sure he had after the weekend in Cheeseland. For a team with its championship window still wide open, this would be a catastrophic blow and isn’t in the best interests of the team or the fans.

As for the hypocrite part of my statement, the fans screaming to trade Kane are the same fans who cheer Bobby Hull unreservedly. Hull, in his day, was the biggest lush ever seen on Rush Street. He was a carouser of the highest order and would make Kane look like a Boy Scout on a mild sugar high in comparison. Add in the numerous domestic abuse charges Hull encountered and the little incident where he said, “Hitler had some good ideas. He just went a little bit too far” (kinda makes Ozzie Guillen’s comment about Fidel Castro look like a love song, doesn’t it?) and Kane again looks like a pussy cat. You can’t ignore what Hull did and condemn Kane for far less. He’s not the “bad guy” some idiots in the media claim him to be, either.

While Kane is still young and immature, it’s far too early to give up on him. He has a vast amount of skill that is still untapped and is readily apparent. The guy who scored a goal-scorers goal to win the Stanley Cup is not to be whisked out of the organization. We need him here to do this again….

Since the purpose of this website is to educate as well as entertain, allow me to impart some of my vast hockey knowledge to the masses who may have some questions about how to properly act as a Blackhawks fan. The following Do’s and Dont’s have been compiled from my experiences as a Hawks fan. They apply to all situations….at games, in bars, in county lock-up…..

DON’T: When you’re at a game, don’t get up out of your seat while the puck is in play. Wait until the whistle stops play to get up and go take a leak, get beer or food, or try to hook up with one of the Ice Girls. Be courteous to others and act like you’ve been to a game before. I can’t stress this enough.

DO: Yell at the clowns who ignore the above point. You don’t need to be profane, of course, but some incisive and biting sarcasm is always in good taste. Try being creative and topical. People appreciate humor.

DON’T: Stand up every time the puck comes into the offensive zone. We know it’s there. We’re watching the same thing you are. You’re not going to get a better view of it by standing up. When the puck goes in the net, we’re ALL going to stand and yell and be loud. Until then, keep it in your pants, Ace.

DON’T: Yell “SHOOOOT!” when the team is cycling the puck, looking for the shot. They know when to shoot and see angles and shooting lanes you don’t from your seat. They’ll let ‘er rip when they’re damned good and ready. All you’re doing is alerting the rest of us who the noob in the crowd is. In the 300 level, you may not be allowed back to future games at all.

DO: Refer to the player’s uniforms as a “sweater”, not a “jersey”. Baseball players wear jerseys. Basketball players wear jerseys. Football players wear jerseys. Hockey players wear sweaters. Back in the day, when it was an outdoor game, the uniform was actually a woolen sweater for obvious reasons. They’re polysomething or another these days, but doesn’t it sound cool to call it a sweater?

DON’T:
Buy a shitty Chinese knockoff sweater to express your new-found fandom. These are easy to spot….if the C with the crossed tomahawks on the shoulder looks like a Boy Scout troop badge for being a cheap shithead, then it’s a knockoff. If the Chief’s face looks like he has a bad case of cellulitis, it’s a knockoff. Don’t look like a noob.

DO: Spend the extra $50 or so to get something that looks great. It’s worth it and I won’t be forced to make fun of you.

DON’T: Get a personalized sweater with something stupid on it. Example…I saw a sweater at a TV game that had number 69 on it and the name said “P. Whipped”. If you think that’s worth spending the $300 it costs to customize a sweater in that fashion, I’d like you to try this bleach and grain alcohol cocktail I’m mixing over here. Unless you’re Clark Griswold, just get a Toews or Kane or Hossa sweater. Otherwise, you’re just a cock-knocker.

DO: Buy the max amount of beers when you make a run downstairs. I’m not explaining this one further.

DON’T:
Feel like you’re disrespecting America when you cheer the Anthem at the United Center. It’s part of the Chicago hockey experience and it’s accepted as a great tradition. I was there on May 9, 1985 when the tradition truly took hold and became what it is today. You go right ahead and yell and holler and clap and scream. You can be quiet at a baseball game or in church or when you’re dead.

DON’T:
Jump on the ice to try and kick the ass of a player you don’t like. You’ll lose. But you will get points if the player you go after is Todd Bertuzzi. You’d still get your ass kicked, but seriously mad props for taking that felon on.

DO:
Put one in the net if you are lucky enough to do the Shoot the Puck promo between the 2nd and 3rd period. I did it when I was about 15, missed all 3 and got booed, deservedly so. Hell, I would have booed me, too. Do yourself a favor and pot one.

DON’T:
Go on message boards and scream for the return of players we had to move in the summer of 2010. It’s simply not good hockey talk and opens you up for the kind of ridicule reserved for the assclowns who stand up during play.

DO:
Learn the rich history of the team. The Hawks have had some of the game’s greatest players and the Chicago Stadium (one of the sporting world’s finest arenas of all-time) was their home for decades. Study up on players like Bobby Hull and Stan Mikita. Take a look at how the team was formed and got their name. Learn who the retired numbers belong to and what those players accomplished. It makes for a better fan experience when you’re in touch with the past, and the Hawks certainly have an illustrious….and sometimes shit-awful….past.

DON’T: Be the butthole who didn’t know who my sweater #35 was earlier this season. It happened in a UC bathroom, post-game. As he asked the question and ENTIRE bathroom turned to look at this idiot in the shitty Chinese knockoff (SEE? TOLD YOU!!), my head swam with confusion and my insult generator locked. I was literally rendered speechless by this guy’s lack of what should be obvious. I mean, he was sitting in an arena with the retired number 35 on a banner hanging above him for 3 hours. Christ…….

DO:
Learn the rules of the game, which is obvious for any sport you watch. Start with the basics like icing and offsides and just pay attention. The rest pretty much falls into place. Penalties are mostly self-explanatory, but there are cool things like match penalties and major game misconducts. If nothing else, hockey has the coolest sounding penalties.

DON’T: Lose faith in these guys. Many teams would have given up on the season on the heels of that 9 game skid, especially after losing an elite player and captain like Jonathan Toews. Kane and Hossa have picked up the slack and we’re solidly in playoff position with 14 games to go. Toews skated by himself before practice and felt good, which is a damned good sign. If he comes back strong by playoff time, it’s a whole different Hawks team to deal with.