by: Tony Leva

As most of us know, there are different types of sports fans. We have serious and casual fans. There are fair-weather and die-hard fans. There are fans who are able to look at all angles of a team’s moves and see the big picture after evaluating all aspects of said moves. Then, we have the lowest form of fan……the meatball.

The meatball is a vile thing. The meatball takes what may be true passion for his or her team and lets it rule them without actually using the ol’ grey matter. The meatball is probably incapable of rational thought anyway, but it doesn’t stop them from yelling uninformed crap at the top of their lungs. The meatball is also incapable of listening to anyone who can think about the issue in question and try to weigh the pros and cons of the situation. The meatball acts on instinct the way a moth flies into one of these…


Recently, I’ve seen meatballs on both sides of town go batshit crazy for different reasons. The northside meatballs, easily identified by the backwards hats, Abercrombie sweatshirts, cargo shorts and flip-flops, lost their shit during the Cubs’ 12 game losing streak. The southside faction, identifiable by the alarming body odor and neck tattoos (those are the women!!), went ballistic over their team sweeping a last-place Cubs squad. Let’s analyze both sides and how stupid both of them truly are.

North Side

Flash back to when the Cubs hired Theo Epstein in October of 2011. During his introductory press conference, he laid out his plans for what amounts to a massive rebuilding project. He stressed that patience was required from Cubs fans. He was seen as a visionary and cheered by legions of Cubs fans. We all envisioned the day when we’d finally be able to cheer for a world champion baseball team called the Cubs. It all seemed so possible. There was much rejoicing…

Flash forward to early this season. After a 3-11 start, the Cubs went 12-9 to boost their record to a somewhat respectable 15-20. They were playing decent baseball and even took 2 of 3 from the defending champion Cardinals. Then, the bottom fell out as they embarked on that 12 game skid. And almost on cue, the meatballs lost their fucking minds. These are actual quotes from actual Cubs blogs and fan sites. The caps are mine to enhance their stupidity.



“WHY ARE THE RICKETTS TOO CHEAP TO SPEND MONEY ON GOOD PLAYERS? SHOULD OF (they are never smart enough to realize it’s “have”, not “of”) NEVER TRADED SEAN MARSHALL!! DUMMIES!!”




It went on and on from there, but my point is made. The truly stupid have forgotten what Theo said in his presser….patience is required. The meatball mindset kicked into hyperdrive like the Millennium Falcon did when Han Solo was outrunning those dicks from the Empire. There was no end to the outrage until the skid was broken on Memorial Day. Their fury spent, they now lay in wait until their storehouses of idiocy are replenished and they find a reason to explode again. I can hardly wait.

South Side

As the Cubs were 3 games deep into that 12 game skid, they welcomed their supposed bitter rivals into Wrigley and got swept. At stake was the prestigious BP Cup, a laughably stupid trophy sponsored by the company responsible for the worst oil spill of all time. 5 million barrels of oil, yada yada yada…. Anyway, these clowns sponsored a trophy for some reason, thinking fans would treasure winning it like it were the Stanley Cup. Since the Sox won it last season, the sweep this season ensured the trophy remaining on the south side for another year. But I digress. Not because I’m going off on a tangent, but because the BP Cup is so amazingly stupid.

So after sweeping a last-place club starting a major rebuilding project, Sox fans acted like they actually won something. Again, the caps are mine to accentuate the stupidity.





Like anyone gives a flying fuck about this.

I can’t recall much else, since I was just so entirely devastated by not being able to pleasure myself to pics of my team hoisting that prestigious trophy for at least one more season. Since Sox meatballs are so completely obsessed with all things Cubs, there was plenty of anti-Wrigley sentiment mixed in, my favorite of which were the claims that “nothing historical has ever happened there besides Babe Ruth’s called shot.” Yeah, let’s pop that balloon of Sox meatballery with some facts. The following have taken place at Wrigley….

5 NFL title games, including the first one ever in 1933….Gale Sayers scoring an NFL record 6 TDs…..the only remaining park used in the Federal League….the famous double no-hitter in 1917….The Homer in the Gloamin….the Harlem Globetrotters once played a game there….Stan Musial’s 3000th hit….3 All-Star games….5 World Series….Pete Rose ties Ty Cobb’s career hit record….Kerry Wood fans 20 Astros…the 2009 NHL Winter Classic

That’s a select list of some serious history right there, but the south side meatballs didn’t want to hear about it. No matter what was listed, it’s of no consequence and doesn’t count. They then parrot the familiar, “BUT THE CUBS STILL SUCK AND ALWAYS HAVE!!! WE’RE WINNERS!!!” Really? Winners? Let’s break out some more of those things I like to call, the facts, and see how much of a winning franchise they have over there. I’ll start with the number of World Series appearances the Sox have made since the first was played in 1903.

Five. Yep, that’s it. FIVE. A whopping five times, the Sox were the best team in the American League. There have been 106 World Series played (it wasn’t played in either 1904 or 1994) and the Sox have been there five times. Want to take a guess at how many times the Cubs have been to the Series? You know, the team the Sox deem inferior?

Ten. Ten times. For those of you who suck at math, that’s twice as many as the current BP Cup champs have been to. Hell, we haven’t even been there in 66 years and we still have doubled them up!! I hate when facts fuck up a perfectly good hatefest. Surely, the Sox must be dominating in total World Series titles, you say. I mean, the meatballs must have some sort of basis for this superiority complex, right?

Think again. They’ve won three titles to our two. We have a combined 5 titles. Consider this….from 1949 to 1953, the New York Yankees won five titles in a row. They matched our total title output by themselves in the minimum number of seasons. THAT is a team whose fans can rub it in and boast about superiority. Sox meatballs have no room to brag about shit unless they’re in Toledo or Pawtucket or some backwater like that. When they call us losers, they are ignoring the 400 lb elephant in the room. No, not a female Packer fan (fuck you assholes, you’ll get yours in the fall), but the spectre of failure that haunts both our teams. Get a clue about what success entails and you’ll see neither of our teams measures up.

Ed. Note – One of the things that pissed me off the most about the Cardinals lucking into winning the most recent World Series was that St. Louis now has doubled up Chicago when it comes to WS titles. Damn bitches.

Sadly, I’m not sure if you can ever recover from being a meatball. The idiocy and ignorance are usually too deeply ingrained to ever be rooted out and exorcised.

Exorcism worked for her, but the Devil is less powerful that the meatball gene.

But if you have a loved one who you’d love to be able to have an intelligent and rational conversation about baseball with, no matter what team you root for, please try liberal applications of facts and statistics. Discourage them from shouting half-truths and shit that’s totally steeped in bullshit. Talk things through with them, don’t let them close their minds to the big picture.

If that fails, you may try the Ludovico Technique for Meatballs. Ask this guy if it works.

They may never eat Italian food again, but it’s a small price to pay for the good health of a loved one.

  1. Jim L. says:

    Quite a history of achievement on the South Side, they conveniently forget the 88 years between WS championships or the fact they threw a WS in 1919. Appreciate the game, bitches!!!

    It was also funny to see a few houses in the neighborhood flying the L flag – sure we know the history behind the W & L flags but doesn’t flying the L flag reflect more on the persons displaying it? Are you letting everyone know you are a loser compared to flying a W?

    I live on the southside and am embarrassed for our city every time one of these so-called baseball experts open their mouths.

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